I Was Broken
by Zosie
Summary: After the worst possible thing imaginable led to the splitting up of Edward and Bella Cullen, they both had to try and move on. Staying in limbo was too hard, and any future had to be better than this, surely? But has Bella made the wrong choice and taken a path to more despair? Only time will tell. There is a sequel, only read if you want the drama.
1. Chapter 1

Chapter One

BPOV

Another sunset, another day lived through. I know that sounds like a very small accomplishment to most people but to some of us, living is just another form of torture. I admit that I lack whatever courage, if that is the right word, to just do something to end my existence.

What if they are right?

I've talked to so many psychics and mediums and fortune tellers of every description, begging to know whatever they know about what comes next. Most of them say the Hereafter is whatever each of us believes it will be for ourselves, individually.

So if you believe there is nothing; that we go to blackness, that's how it will be for you. While nothingness has it's appeal, there will be no joy, but maybe that is okay; maybe it's worth the fact that there'll be no pain, either.

I could live with neither, and no pain would be a blessed relief after this life.

My doctor wants me back on drugs but while they certainly got me through the early black days like nothing else could have, I don't want to go there again.

It's too much of a half life. Never feeling in control, never feeling like it's me inside this body. More like some outsider looking in and watching this shell move on autopilot.

No, I have all the medication I need in a tall bottle on the shelf.

And my nicotine friends.

I love the warnings on the packet.

_Smoking Will KIll You._

I say yay for that. Bring it on. I may not have what it takes to deliberately send myself over to the Other Side but I know in my heart my current lifestyle will send me that way, albeit on a slower journey.

Something will kill me. Someday I will die so I have that fact to cling to.

My phone buzzes in my back pocket as I sit on the back door stoop, inhaling the tar and nicotine that may start the process I crave, and idly check who is trying to intrude on my self-pitying solitude.

Jacob.

I hit 'reject' because if there's anything I don't need now it's his cheery voice.

I want to wallow. I want to feel like I have nothing because it's the truth.

No husband, no beautiful daughter who should be just beginning her wonderful, promising life out there in the big, wide world.

Maybe I am the one to blame for that.

Maybe I never warned her enough but the old 'stranger danger' message had been eclipsed in her childhood. Instead we were told to teach our children to speak up if they ever felt 'uncomfortable' with anyone closer to home. If an uncle or grandfather, or Daddy's best friend said or did anything that made them feel the least bit unsure.

There was never ever danger from any of those sources.

Charlie and Carlisle had been the best grandfathers a girl could have and they would have died themselves rather than hurt her, our Princess.

No, it took a stranger to take her away from us, and I couldn't remember how many times I'd warned her about actual strangers.

Not a lot.

Clearly not nearly often enough.

Had I done my job and been a better mother, she'd still be alive and maybe not here beside me, but somewhere. College, or working at her first job.

I remember how heady those first days had been for me at nineteen. The freedom to do what I wanted finally, with there being almost an entire country between Forks and NYU.

I'd done a few pretty dangerous things myself but I had been one of the lucky ones who had gotten away with pushing the envelope.

Despite my very best efforts, I'd never suffered a bout of alcohol poisoning even though all around us, students were having their stomachs pumped to save their very lives.

Edward always called me a 'two pot screamer'. All it took was two drinks and I was anybody's.

Not really, but I had not put up a fight when I felt myself getting out of control and he'd pick me up and take me back to my dorm and hand me over to Rosalie.

Mind you, all she did was drag me into my bed and get back to her own room and whichever tasty morsel was waiting there for her. More college boys visited her bedroom than ever stepped foot in the amazing library at NYU.

I loved it all.

Being a grown up and escaping from Dad's rules and regulations. Living independently, and being able to eat and drink whatever I liked. Cooking without having to stick to recipes that made it possible to freeze extra meals because I knew my Father would never cook, but he could hit the 'reheat' button on the microwave so he wouldn't starve if Edward and I were out on a date.

We dated a lot.

It started in Junior Year at Forks High.

It was weird because we'd both lived in Forks all our lives but we'd just never noticed one another. Not really, not in that way.

He was popular and well liked by everyone from the start of grade school. I was the shy kid who hid behind her hair, a habit I still have at this age. He had an entire entourage of friends; I had Rose and Jessica and Lauren and Alice.

They'd been enough but as we got older, Rose's attention had shifted and she no longer hung with us as much, not if some pretty boy invited her to accompany him somewhere.

We others lived vicariously through Rose's early adventures, and I don't know that we even believed everything she told us she did with various boys, but looking back with the passing of time, I think maybe every word was indeed the truth. We were just not yet ready to hear about her allowing boys to feel her rather impressive breasts and French kissing her mouth and what went on while their hands were down her panties.

It seemed kind of gross until it happened to us and we found out just why girls let guys do that.

Of course I was the last.

Probably the oldest virgin in the school, truth be told.

Junior Year saw us all claimed, and it was the year innocence was lost and we were made into 'real women'.

Jess and Mike Newton cashed their cards together and not a student in the school managed to escape hearing all the gritty details, from one participant or the other. Mike was just as much of a gossip as Jessica.

Then Lauren and Eric did the deed, though they weren't actually dating. And nothing came of it. That was when Rose stepped in and explained the whole hook up versus relationship deal; how either path was acceptable these days. You cashed your card with whoever you wanted to and it didn't have to lead to a shiny ring on your finger.

It did, though, for some of us.

Alice and Jasper were in love long before their lust took over, and it seemed a natural progression. She came to school the next day with shining eyes and a blush on her cheeks and we knew, even without her spilling the details.

Of course, I went into Mother Hen mode and warned her to 'be safe' and not get knocked up.

Yeah, I know, good advice I really should have followed myself, but then, I had no idea what was going to happen.

It was literally one of those magic moments you read about in romance novels.

I was sitting alone in the Lunch Room, because my girls were all loved up or at least, sexed up, and had other places to be, and I was reading about how girls in the past had had to keep their passion under control or their lives would really be ruined, forever, if they ever let a beau stick anything in a place he shouldn't until after the marriage ceremony.

I couldn't imagine it would have been easy to let passion lead you astray back then, when you had to pause to remove all those petticoats and pantaloons and whatever was between your virtue and his eager manhood. Surely by the time you disrobed, any sexual contact would have had to be quite deliberate.

Anyway, I'd heard the chair at my empty table be dragged out and looked up from the page into the emerald green eyes of Edward Cullen.

I knew him, naturally. We'd been in the same class since we began school at age five. We'd both been in Advanced Placement classes together. We'd even shared a table in Biology.

But the Edward who sat down at my table that day was suddenly changed.

Or at least, something between us changed.

I remember dropping my book onto the floor and just staring into his eyes, and he was gazing into mine and somehow our hands moved of their own accord and linked on that table top.

Neither of us spoke a single word.

We did grin, like idiots, and this weird vibe seemed to invade my body and sizzle up from my toes to my fingertips, and cross into his hand, and he sort of flinched then held on tighter, and we both laughed as his body shuddered, in a surprised but good way.

We both laughed self consciously, and that was the beginning.

I know I was a bad, bad Mother because even if I could snap my fingers and go back to that day, and stand up and walk away from him, I wouldn't.

I know if I had just shaken his hand from mine and hidden away in the Library, he may well have moved on and found some other girl to thrill with his amazing touch, but I cannot say with the slightest ounce of honesty that even knowing what I know now, that I would have prevented the tragedy from ever beginning by leaving Edward Cullen that very first day.

How could I unwish the fourteen years we had her, our beloved daughter?

Sure, her untimely death shattered us both and led to our undoing because neither Edward nor I could face one another after she was killed, but who would deny themselves fifteen years of bliss just because the ending was so horrific?

Maybe someone smarter than I am.

No, I had come to learn what happened was what was meant to be. You know how they say this world was not good enough for someone so pure and beautiful to live in? I think that saying was coined for our daughter.

She's in a better place. I truly believe that.

I believe in an afterlife that's so much better than the stinking life we lead here on Earth because what other choice do I have?

She can't be nothing. She can't be nowhere. She has to exist, so in my head I constructed a Heaven even more beautiful than the Bible or any religion promised us.

And our angel is there, waiting and she is so happy and loved and safe, in a way we couldn't make her here.

She has Grandpa Charlie at her side , because he just gave up the fight when she died. He couldn't wait to go join her.

He'd been fighting cancer and seemed to be winning the battle but once Angela died, it was like he couldn't get to the Other Side fast enough.

I suspect he threw out his pills and egged the cancer on. I know he drank far more in those last months than he had drunk in his entire life but he was drinking with a cause in mind.

The Coroner's report said it was a mix of the alcohol and the disease, that took him where he wanted to go, but it doesn't really make any difference which one gave him his dearest wish.

So, here I am, all alone, left behind, trying to catch up and be with them, but scared to actually do anything proactive in case I end up in another place and don't get to be with them.

What if suicide gets you into some different level and you have to learn your lesson and are kept apart from your loved ones?

What if, even worse, you get sent back? Reborn, into another weak little human body, and have to live another similar life, but have to endure the pain for the term of your natural life that time?

No, my comfort is the cold, hard fact that one day, I'll get to join them both, and I'll have taken the surest safe route to get there.

Because coming back for a do over would be an atrocity too far.

My cell phone buzzes again and I check the caller id, and this time I accept the call.

"Edward," I say quietly. I know he's just checking in to make sure I'm still alive. Three years hasn't changed the fact that he cares about me and wants me to move on and be happy.

He's found some form of lesser happiness, with his new wife and he needs to know I can do that as well. Staying together was never an option. We tore one another to shreds. Each blamed the other, because there was no-one else to blame.

If only I'd insisted on Edward collecting her from her friend's house, and leaving work early to do that. If only I'd refused to let her go to Emma's house to do whatever fourteen year old girls do these days.

If fucking only.

There was no getting away with the fact we hadn't protected her and saved her from the monster.

We had no excuses. We were adults who knew monsters existed, out there, everywhere, even in a tiny town like Forks. We knew the facade put forward for the world to see was not a true indication of the heart and soul of that friendly face and cheery smile; not always.

We'd checked under her bed and in her closet when she was little and afraid to go to sleep at night because of the monsters hiding there, but we'd never protected her from the real, living, breathing monster waiting to take away pretty little girls like our daughter.

Whoever killed our Angela got away scott free and so we couldn't take out our hate and rage against him.

So we blamed one another instead and all but killed whatever it had been between us, that had given us the wonderful life we'd lived until that terrible day.

Now I was always waiting for the other shoe to drop.

For Edward to call and tell me he and Victoria had a new baby to look forward to, then my grief would be complete.

I couldn't offer him that sort of healing, because no child of mine would ever be forced into this world to grow and laugh and play and be destroyed ever again. I would be a good mother this time round.

I would not let any child of mine be born.

"How are you holding up?" he asks. It's still there, the sadness, the grief.

I wonder at times how come he got to be the strong one who managed to accept the death of Angela and the death of us and dare to hope there could still be a future worth having out there.

I will never blame him for leaving, or for the divorce, because nobody can live in the bitter and hate filled marriage ours ended up becoming.

Edward had tried so hard to save me but I hadn't wanted to be saved so he had saved himself.

"Is she pregnant yet?" I ask, rather than answer his question.

"No, Bella, Victoria isn't pregnant."

One day, the answer will be 'yes' and that's the day I have to give up and know he was only mine for fifteen short years. Some ridiculous part of me somewhere inside tells me this second marriage is not the final straw, but another child would be.

If I somehow could change and show him how it isn't over for me, and I still need him and love him dearly, so dearly, he would walk away from her and come home where he belongs. A child will mean that can never happen.

I walk to the hallway and run my finger over my favourite photo of us. Not a wedding photo, although of course I love them too. This photo.

We were the only couple who took their infant daughter to Prom with them.

Well, we were the only students with an infant daughter.

Edward looks so proud and so happy and so not like what an eighteen year old who knocked up his girlfriend at High School should look.

He never felt trapped or forced to grow up too soon.

He looks like a man who knows he has it all, and it's all good.

"I am glad you are happy again," I say, and to my surprise, I mean it. I guess I love him more than I ever realized. One of us has to come through this and out the other side with some sort of acceptable existence. Why shouldn't it be him? He deserves to smile again. He was the very best husband and father any man could ever be. Now he can be those things over again.

I hang up the phone and stand there, looking at our past and knowing that once I had an amazing and so perfect life.

And like my Mom always warned me; it had been too good to last.


	2. Chapter 2

I Was Broken

Chapter 2

EPOV

I keep holding the phone to my ear even though Bella has cut the connection, until Victoria looks up and frowns, then I put it on the table in front of me.

"How is she?" Vic asks.

"The same, I guess," I reply, standing up and walking to the window restlessly. I know she doesn't understand why I can't just let Bella go, but she does a great job of pretending it's okay for me to still care about my wife.

Bella knows why I left and even why I moved on, despite every bone in my body screaming for me to stay. When you lose someone you love as much as we loved Angela, the pain is overwhelming. When you also have to sit and watch the only other person you love more than life itself suffer in the same way, and can't help them, it's the worst place to be and I couldn't stay.

Men are supposed to fix things and keep their girls safe and I failed on both levels. I couldn't save Angie and I couldn't fix Bella. I felt like a complete failure and was in the middle of the most intense agony any human being can suffer myself, so things just went bad.

Only Bella and I cared for that girl as much as parents can, so adding in everyone's else's grief to our own was never an option.

Watching Charlie die ate away at what little was left of Bella, though I think she envied him.

That told me she'd rather be dead than stay with me, and that hurt so much. I always thought if we lost everything else, we'd always have one another and it would be enough. I was wrong.

Even so, I only gave up when I realized there was still a tiny something left and we'd kill it completely stone dead if we stayed together and I needed her in my life in any way, even if not the way I longed for.

Too much had happened and been said in hurt and anger. We'd torn each other in terrible, unforgivable ways and there was no going back.

Not if Bella didn't want it. We'd only survive if we both wanted it really badly and worked like crazy with that goal in mind and neither of us had enough left to do that.

I couldn't stay and sit by and watch her die a little more day by day.

She'd rejected me time and again and I'd waited and prayed she would get past the initial horror and realize we still had us, but it wasn't enough. I guess when you consider, Angela had been part of us virtually from the beginning, the truth was I alone could never give Bella back what she craved.

It had been a lesson to everyone who thought the fact I knocked my girlfriend up in the break between Junior and Senior years was the worst thing that could happen. It was nothing by comparison, and we'd managed. Mom had helped out by working from home instead of in her interior design shop, and minded the baby for as long as we needed her to. Renee took over next, doing her bit as well.

Dad had taken me on after college at the hospital in a new in-house hands-on teaching method that was being trialled as a new way to train doctors from the get go, so they got to work as they studied. It soon weeded out those who lacked the stamina or stomachs to go all the way and become fully fledged doctors in time, as I had.

It had actually been an easier road than it could have been.

We'd still gone away to college and nobody had held a gun at my head and forced us to marry just because we had created a child together. We didn't even live together while we were in Freshman Year. Both sets of parents had agreed to go along with whatever we decided was right for us, so Bella shared a dorm with Rose and I had my own, all to myself. Renee had an apartment and lived there nearby with Angie. We saw her every day and often slept over at Renee's to be with her.

During the week, Bella slept over in my dorm whenever she wanted to but I didn't try to rush her into a marriage-like live-in situation until she was ready and that happened all by itself in our Sophomore Year at NYU.

She just felt like the time was right, so we co-habitated off campus and then in Junior Year we got married. We were both ready by then, and there were plenty of other students our age doing the same.

Senior Year Renee continue caring for Angela but now our daughter lived with us full time and Bella's mother was simply our child carer while we were in class. We had become the proper parents finally.

We came home to Forks as a family.

Angela didn't even remember a time she hadn't lived with us so I don't think we did her any damage by slowing down and letting things happen as they would have had she not been born.

I guess we all wanted Bella to experience the same things every other girl her age was experiencing and not force her into the role of wife and mother before she was ready.

It had worked and we were solid as a rock by the time we were back here, living in our own house, raising our own child.

It had taken a village to raise Angela until then, and we were grateful.

Charlie and Renee were long divorced so we had not taken his wife away in that sense and anyway, in the long run Renee benefitted because she fell for the baseball coach at NYU and married him after we left.

She and Phil are still together to this day.

Unlike us.

I can't help wishing there had been a way to keep us together but Bella had cringed away every time I reached for her and that had led to such pain I just couldn't bear it. It wasn't an ego thing, I could handle rejection when it came to sex, but she wouldn't let me touch her. At all.

I couldn't even hold her so we could cry together and I admit, I needed to feel the touch of another human being. I craved body contact of any sort and without it I felt quite insane.

I could never hold my daughter in my arms again and now my wife hated to feel my touch.

I had no choices left if I was going to survive this.

Victoria had always been a friend to both Bella and I so I guess it had been inevitable that I'd turn to her but I had never been unfaithful to Bella. Not physically, at least, though I sometimes wonder if being emotionally unfaithful isn't a worse crime.

Victoria and I had shared a bed after I left Bella but nothing further until after the divorce. I just needed a pair of arms around me, and even the wrong arms had been enough.

Now of course, I'm trapped here in a rebound marriage and have to make the best of things. I know Bella thinks I've replaced her but Victoria can never be to me what Bella was.

She's a pale copy at best.

Sadly I think I only married her as a reward for her getting me through the blackest days and nights of my life. She earned her place at my side.

I'd needed someone, and if that someone was not Bella, then anyone would do, and Vicky stepped up to the plate.

There's nothing to gain by walking away now, Bella would never take me back, and maybe in time we two can become a real couple and that's what I hope. If there is ever a child, it is a long time in the future, but it may happen and I would welcome that. I need someone in my life that I can love unconditionally, and openly, and be loved by in return and a child of mine could be that person.

But that won't be an option until I can hold my new wife in my arms and say she is my everything and that I love her with all my heart; something I never had to think twice about with Bella.

From the day Bella and I first touched, we were dynamite together and okay, we rushed into consummating our love but truly, if you'd felt the surge of electricity between us when we kissed or even just held hands, you would have wanted to know how much of that would be there if you made love.

Banner had brought a TV into class and we'd taken the opportunity to sit closely together and I swear, in the darkened room, you could see tiny sparks jumping between us. We didn't dare kiss or do more than just let our fingers touch, because it was so intense as it was.

It had been amazing.

Naturally, that just made us even more curious to know what would happen if I was inside her.

We talked about it, and tried to be sensible, then we'd kiss and Bella would black out momentarily from the buzz and we'd gaze at one another and long to know how much more intense it could possibly be. We had to know.

I loved her deeply already by that point, so it seemed like permission to go further, and she wanted it as much as I did. Everyone else was doing it, at least we intended to keep it between ourselves exclusively, unlike Rose or Emmett, amongst others who were playing the field.

I'd almost felt singed the first time we slept together, the fire between us had been that hot.

The conception had always been going to happen because neither of us wanted anything between us, we needed the skin on skin experience and the one session with a condom had dulled things to what I now know, is what sex is like for everyone else on the planet.

Why didn't I, the son of a doctor, have the sense to get Bella safely on The Pill? I guess because after the first time, we just craved more and knew we'd never abstain until the Pill kicked in anyway. We didn't think past the next time we could let go and really come alive together while I made the most amazing love to her.

Of course it improved over time. Who'd have thought there was a step further than perfection? By the time we'd been married five years I swear I thought nothing could ever pull us apart. Even if something terrible happened and we fell out of love, I was sure we'd stay for the sex alone.

Just goes to show you, you should never tempt Fate.

I have never ever blamed Bella for what happened to Angela.

She was fourteen years old and as far as Bella knew, our daughter going two blocks away to visit Emma. She'd been allowed to do that ever since she turned twelve. I thought we were over protective, if anything.

Angela had owned a cell phone for emergencies only, since she started school, because I needed to know she could always call me if she needed me.

Nobody knows the truth of what happened that day. Emma admitted she had covered for our daughter, who had really gone off to meet a boy she had talked to before, and trusted. Emma knew very little about him, apart from the fact that Angela was experiencing her first crush and it had made her reckless.

Determined to keep her assignation private from me and her mother, she had gone into town and met up with him unbeknowst to us, and walked willingly to her doom.

She was missing for weeks before her body was found and even then, the Coroner had felt her death must have been accidental.

She hadn't been attacked or raped or anything that vile, she had an undiagnosed weakness in her heart, and had suffered a heart attack, probably from being under extreme and intense stress. She'd died from the fear we'd never find her and bring her home again.

He had not intentionally killed her so that was some small comfort.

To Bella, it was still murder and for sure, had he not imprisoned her against her will, she'd be alive today, so yes, it was close enough to murder.

You just never want to have to think your child was so distraught that she died.

She was apparently well cared for; adequately fed, and clean at the time of her death and for the weeks she was missing, so who knows why he took her or what his intentions were, but whatever his plans had been, they never happened.

Her death led to the marriage I treasured dying, and to my knee jerk reaction remarriage.

It's not there, that spark, that current, with Victoria.

That was a massive blow because I assumed once I got back to having a sex life that it would be as good as the one I shared with Bella, so yeah, that was a bitter pill to swallow.

Now I wonder if it was something just between Bella and I or whether the next lucky bastard to grace her bed will get zapped like I did for fifteen years.

You'd think after three years I'd be able to sleep but any sleep I do get is fleeting and it only happens if Victoria allows me to use her body for sex to allow mine to release then fall asleep in the afterglow.

For some reason this is okay with her, so I am grateful for that. Most women would be moaning about the lack of connection between us and refuse access to her most personal place until the man declared his love and devotion but she has always known we are a long way from that happening yet and she told me straight out I was never to say that I loved her until I truly did.

I do hope we get to that point one day because I need more than this luke warm marriage we share.

I need to achieve the level of intimacy and love and caring I had before with Bella, only this time with Victoria, and until that happens, I'm never going to experience true happiness again. But it's better than nothing.

That was my other choice.

Bella has nothing and refuses to move on and it kills me. She didn't want me but now I can see she really didn't want me to go, either. I guess I should have waited it out longer but the risk was so apparent that had I persevered, that last little link could have been extinguished and we'd have had nothing left, now and forever.

At least this way we know we still care for one another.

"Bed?" Victoria asks and I nod.

Bed. To sleep, perchance to dream.

Half of my dreams are wonderful. I go back to a time when my life was magical and perfect. These dreams make life worth living.

The other half are horrific and I wake up screaming with my body bathed in sweat and my heart pounding. I never have any clue which way it will be any night so it's like flipping a coin as I roll off my new wife and collapse into Dreamland, and the Dream Fairy appears..

Sometimes she is a soft, warm welcoming chance to go back, and sometimes she is a cold and hateful bitch who tries to push me off the very edge of sanity.

Tonight's a good night.

The fairy steps forward and holds out her arms to me and smiles, and I run willingly into her embrace.

"_Bella Swan. Oh My God. You did it."_

_Rosalie Hale stands there with her hands on her hips, watching us walk into the schoolyard._

_I can't believe the girl can tell just by looking at us that last night was the very best night of my existence to date. For once, the fact that Bella has an absent mother and a workaholic father is a good thing because it meant I stayed there in her bed all night long, and only left to drive home to change into clean clothes before going driving her to school._

_It had been completely unplanned. _

_We had a plan in mind, for sure, where we snuck off together on the school trip that was scheduled to happen another six weeks in the future. Mr Banner was taking us all in a bus off to some eco friendly farm center where the students all slept in bunk houses but Alice had been helping out up in the office and overheard that two students were to be assigned private rooms in their capacity as Student Leaders in charge of the others._

_All we had to do was make sure either Bella or I got to be one of those leaders. The other would then sneak out once everyone was asleep and we'd get to spend an entire night of bliss making love for the first time._

_We were looking forward to that, as you can imagine._

_Then just as I arrived at Charlie's house one night, he pulled out of the driveway and waved me over to the window of the cruiser._

"_Don't keep her up too late. There's been an emergency and Tom has gone home ill. Royce and Blake are off sick as well, with this damned flu. I've pulled an allnighter and won't be home until ten in the morning. Bella tends to sleep in so do me a favour and come get her up and make sure she gets to school tomorrow. Thanks, Edward."_

_Instantly my mind realized there was an easier way to both get her into bed at a reasonable hour and wake her for school the next day._

_Bella had cooked dinner for her and Charlie and so, instead, I ate his share and we had our first experience of playing house as a couple. I called my parents and sold them the lie that Emmett's Mom had invited me to sleep over to keep her son company , as she often did when she did nightshift , and I then sent him a text to inform him he was my alibi._

_Of course, the fact he had Rosalie Hale curled up in bed beside him as he read my text explained how she knew , but she had yet to tell Bella about her own night of sex when we arrived at school the next day._

_Even with this wonderful opportunity, I hadn't anticipated going the whole way with Bella yet. I had an idea about something I wanted to try as Emmett was always on about the subject of 69'ers, the breakfast of champions, he called it._

_I was quite keen to see if it was as erotic as he said but it turned out to be even more than I expected and Bella had pushed my face away and climbed up my body and impaled herself on my rock hard erection halfway through our oral exploration._

"_Bella," I had tried to warn her, but the buzz kicked in as she slid down on me and that was it, no words were possible and I thrust and bucked inside her, completely out of control, until we both exploded._

_She'd fallen down onto my chest afterwards and I pulled out, too late of course by then to be of any contraceptive value, but it had been the most amazing first time in the history of mankind._

_Bella had bled a little but I knew enough from my fascination of medical textbooks to know some girls did that when their hymen was broken, so I reassured her all was normal and she trusted me._

"_So, chalk up another virginity taken by Edward Cullen," she had murmured sleepily._

"_That makes a grand total of two," I had answered, holding her close to my chest as our heartbeats tried to slow down back to normal._

"_Really, only two? Who else's v card have you cashed?" she asked._

"_My own," I answered, kissing the top of her head._

"_No, seriously. I won't be all jealous and stupid, just tell me."_

"_Bella, I have explored a couple of girl's bodies but yours is the first I have ever tasted or been inside. You cashed my card, get used to it."_

_She cried then, and I was blown away that it had meant that much to her. I was so very glad to have stopped with the others and waited until I'd felt a connection with Bella before going the whole way, even if it had been her who made the decision for this to happen tonight, not me.  
I wasn't complaining._

_I got a face cloth and rinsed it out in warm water, then cleaned up the little bit of blood from her, and off myself._

"_I don't suppose by any happy coincidence that you have a troublesome cycle and are on The Pill?," I asked belatedly._

"_Nope. Regular as clockwork, sorry."_

"_When will we know?" I asked her, stroking her hair back off her face, and kissing her lips tenderly._

"_Monday," she replied. With luck it was too late in her cycle to have done any harm and I vowed to never do this again until she was safe. As it turned out, she didn't conceive for another four reckless months._

_That vow lasted , oh, five hours, when I awoke to find her rubbing my midnight erection and easing it back inside her body._

"_Aren't you sore?" I checked. She didn't feel like she could be. She was damp and ready and fuck me, there it was. The buzz._

_I rolled her over so I could be above her, looking down into her deep brown eyes as I eased in and out and entwined our hands above her head. I watched her sigh and bite her lip and then cry out my name as I let go as soon as her body tightened around me. I was pretty sure this made me a Sex God because Emmett told me nobody could get a girl off during intercourse until they had been together working out by experimentation what was right for her , for a long time. Unless they used their thumb but mine had been superfluous and never called into play._

_Bella went off to the bathroom and I followed and pulled her into the shower with me and washed her clean gently but carefully, knowing she must be stinging at least._

_She got us both bottles of cold water from downstairs and we lay there kissing for a long time until she fell asleep again._

_The morning session was down to me, but I'd never woken up spooned around any girl and her lady parts were so close to my morning wood that the slightest movement sent it inside her and I said a word I probably shouldn't have but that charge jolted as soon as I got in deep._

"_Fuck," I cried, and started the dance of love again. She pressed up hard back against my belly and I touched her hips, and mound and circled her clit and she rocked against my palm and I managed to score three for three._

_Laying there pushed inside her as she matched my jolting with her pulsing, I held my arms around her body and kissed her neck._

"_Bella, I seriously think I'm in love with you," I had admitted. It wasn't just sex it was so much more. I breathed when she breathed, my heart beat when hers beat._

"_You feel like angel wings. You must be my Guardian Angel," she replied._

"_I want to always keep you safe. We can't do this again without a condom."_

"_That's probably wise, because we will be doing this again, Edward. I love you too. We are not doing anything wrong."_

"_I know that. It could never feel this right if it was wrong," I agreed._

_We slept and I barely managed to have her up, showered, fed and dressed in time for school. We went via my parents house but fortunately everyone was gone already so I changed clothes and got to school as the bell sounded, having walked past Rosalie who seemed to know everything already._

_I reluctantly handed my Bella over to her friend and headed for Spanish, one of the few classes Bella and I did not share._

_My body felt cold and lonely and just wrong without hers pressed against it and my arms ached to hold her again, and I half listened as Emmett told me all about his night of sexcapades with Rose Hale._

_I High Fived him and never told him anything back despite his curiosity because what had happened was too precious to share._

_Apparently Bella felt the same way, because Rose was whining angrily about her refusal to fess up and tell her if I was 'worth a shot' ._

"_I'm taken," I informed her, putting my arms around Bella's waist. "My dearest wish is that I never sleep with any other female ever. I want Bella and I to be together forever."_

Despite the beauty of the dream, I woke up with tears running down my cheeks, because I'd been the one to break that promise.

I stared at the naked form at my side, with her all too perfect abdomen with it's smooth unmarked skin and wished with all my heart that it was my Bella, with her belly streaked with the silver marks the pregnancy had left behind, here beside me instead.

God, I missed her and now I knew one simple fact. She was not replaceable. She and Victoria were not interchangeable and I had done a terrible, terrible thing.

I'd abandoned the only woman I could ever love and used another woman who had deserved better.

And yet there was nothing to be gained by divorcing Victoria.

Better to try and make something of this whole mess and just be the best husband I could be to her, because all was already lost between my Bella and me.

I'd done the unforgivable, and been with another woman. If she'd left me and been with another man, it would have been the very end and I would not have even fought to go on living.

My body felt ice cold.

I've lost my daughter and probably killed my Bella.


	3. Chapter 3

I Was Broken

Chapter 3

BPOV

I guess life is what happens when you are busy making plans. I had no plans to make past walking the dog. Setting the many alarms Edward had insisted we have from the start took an age but finally the control panel beeped and I grabbed the dog lead and exited in the required fifteen seconds.

I checked the front door had closed properly and bundled Bear into the car.

"You like the beach. Just don't go rolling in the water then get all sandy after I spent an hour bathing you and combing out your coat, okay?"

Bear stuck his head out of the open passenger window and let his tongue loll out in the breeze.

The gate automatically closed behind us and nobody could open it without a card, plus knowing the code to punch in. It was ironic that he had always been so security conscious yet it hadn't saved Angela.

Nobody could have ever gotten close enough to snatch her from our house.

I was running along the crusty sand of La Push beach when I heard hoofbeats approaching behind me. I assumed it was Jake, he often rode his horse here, and tugged on the dog's lead to slow so I could say hi to him.

It wasn't though.

For a moment I thought I was in a romance novel.

I turned and watched a rather gorgeous lightly tanned man with long blonde hair jump down off a white horse, that he'd been riding bareback, stand there grinning at me.

Hair Bear, who had originally been my daughter's dog, turned and growled.

"James?" I ventured. I know I'd met him at Edward's wedding. He hadn't looked quite this impressive that day.

Yes, Edward invited me, so, yes, I went. I was that much of a masochist. At the time I just wanted to feel something because the drugs were still in my system and I was feeling nothing at all. It had been a whole year ago so I wasn't one hundred per cent sure of this man's name.

He stood there for all the world like Fabio.

"That's right. I'm glad I impressed you sufficiently to remember me," he answered with nice smile. He had lovely blue eyes and he pulled his hair back and tied it into a silky long blonde ponytail. I have a weakness for men with pretty hair.

The only thing that had ever attracted me to Jacob was his long black hair and once he cut it, he threw away any chance of anything ever developing between us, as had been his hope when Edward left me. I liked him as a friend, but he'd lost any extra allure with that haircut.

Shallow? Maybe. But every man was but a shadow compared to Edward.

Bear backed away and bared his teeth and I forced him into a 'sit'. Edward had spent a fortune having this dog trained so he would be easily managed by Angela, and he had never snarled at anyone before, to my knowledge.

"Stop that," I warned him.

James was shirtless and it was hard to drag my eyes from his rather impressive nicely muscled chest to his face and when I managed it, he was laughing quietly.

"I see. I guess if I'd been naked when we first met you would remember my surname as well."

I searched my brain but it didn't appear.

"Hunt. James Hunt," he supplied.

"Of course. Bella Cul...Swan," I introduced myself, still unused to reverting to my maiden name.

I'd given up using Cullen when Edward came to visit me one day and told me he thought he might be going to propose to Victoria. At the time I thought it an empty threat intended to snap me out of my grief enough to beg him to come home, and I didn't take up that option. I will always regret that. At the time I was still hoping that Angela had inherited the weak heart from me and that I would soon die of grief, because surely that is as stressful as what she went through.

When he told me on his next visit that he had gone through with it and asked her to marry him, I decided it would not do to have two Mrs Edward Cullen's in a town the size of Forks and Angela was gone, so no longer sharing the same name she had didn't seem that important any more.

"I remember. The meeting of us exes at the wedding of our other halves," he replied.

"You were Victoria's ex?" I asked.

"Vic and I were married for five years. We got divorced around the same time you two did."

"I guess maybe someone told me that. I just forgot. I wasn't very receptive to anything anyone said that day. All I heard was my ex-husband say 'I do' to another woman."

"Yeah, that kind of sent an arrow through my heart as well. So, how have you been?"

I shrugged.

"I have never known anyone else who lost a child so I have nobody to compare myself to. I'm alive, for what it's worth. I kind of imagined if anything really bad happened to me I'd curl up and die but apparently it doesn't just happen like that. No matter how much you want it to."

"But you are still young. I would have thought the most obvious way to go would have been for you and Edward to have another child."

"I will never have another child," I replied harshly. "This world doesn't deserve a second chance. After what happened to Angela, I knew that was never a possibility. If that could happen to her, why couldn't something equally bad happen to any other child we had?"

James frowned.

"It's not a very common occurrence, here in Forks. I believe this was the first kidnapping ever recorded from this town."

"I don't understand why he took her. She wasn't abused at all, and we never got a ransom demand. Not that we have much. Edward's doctors salary is good, but he's not in the millionaire category by any stretch of the imagination. He and Victoria have a mortgage. The house he gave me isn't exactly a mansion. It's a small cottage. Even if we could have sold it, we are talking three to four hundred thousand. Surely a child 's life is worth more than that."

James looked uncomfortable and untied the shirt he had wrapped around his waist and slid it on.

"I bet you miss Edward. He's a great guy. I know him quite well by now."

"Yes, I miss Edward," I admitted sadly.

"But you realize he is not the only fish in the sea. There is hope, you know. I should tell you that I was with another wonderful girl a long time ago, before Victoria, and I fell madly in love and planned a Spring wedding."

"Spring's a nice time for weddings," I answered, listlessly.

"It never happened. The wedding...she died. I still miss her like Hell, so I do know something of the pain you must be living with every day."

"I'm sorry to hear that, James. It's so terrible, losing someone you love. It's hard to get up out of bed some days."

"Yeah, and eating? It seems like you are going to choke half the time, right? I know I had to eat to live but nothing had any flavour any more. It may be lobster or sawdust for all I knew. It took years to feel alive again."

Bear pawed the ground and whined.

"Excuse my dog, he has no manners. He usually just lays down when I stop to talk to someone."

"He's a handsome fellow. Maybe he's jealous because your attention has strayed from him," James suggested. It could be true. Bear misses Angela terribly and all we have is one another now.

"So, I was wondering if you would like to go to dinner sometime? I mean, we could commiserate about the 'perfect couple' and their happy ever after, and complain about the raw deals we got."

"That's true," I agreed. Maybe a night out with a new friend would give me a chance to stop falling into such deep despair every evening, at least until he dropped me back home afterwards.

"There's this restaurant at Port Angeles. It does amazing Italian food, and it has 'Bella' in it's name so I thought of you when I was there the other night. I'd love to take you and show the waitress I do manage to get a woman to agree to a date now and then. I'm sure she has me pegged as some saddo whose life is over," James said, pulling a sad face.

"Well I guess two saddoes are better than one," I laughed.

God, did I just laugh?

"Great. See you tonight. I do have a car as well as this fellow," he said, patting the horse on it's flank. It was quite surreal. His shirt hung open still revealing his chest, and his tight black jeans looked painted on.

_I do believe my deeply buried libido was reawakening. Who'd have thought?_

He kind of jumped back onto his horse and shook out his hair again. I watched him ride away and wondered if Rose and Alice were ever going to believe this.

James had insisted he'd pick me up at seven tonight so I hurried home and called Alice and Rose for help. Alice always had dresses on hand from her 'Second Hand Rose' designer dress shop, where women who paid way too much for some expensive outfit and then discovered it looked terrible on them could take them in and have Alice sell them on for them. She didn't allow any tat, all her items were top drawer, many never worn.

She answered my call immediately and I could hear the speculation in her voice.

"Bella? It's good to hear from you. Is anything wrong?"

"Possibly. I have a date tonight and nothing to wear."

Even though I couldn't see her, I knew she was air pumping and silently screaming with joy.

"That's fine. Where are you going?" she asked calmly.

"Some Italian Restaurant in Port Angeles," I replied, wanting to laugh at the effort it was taking her to remain in charge of her emotions.

"So, I'm thinking maybe a skirt and blouse. How much boob are we showing?"

"Moderate exposure," I replied. There was no point pretending I was outraged at her question because Alice's BS meter was very accurate. And if I was going on what might be the first of several dates, or maybe the last date I ever went on, I was determined to look nice.

"Shoes. I'm working from bottom to top. I have these amazing sandal type shoes, flats, but they have rows of gemstones around your ankle and above. It looks like you are wearing a classy pair of flipflops and half a dozen anklets piled one on top of the other. They come in all shades of turquoise, or red.

Now, I have a lovely skirt in mind. Its black but etched in rainbow colours in a thin random swirl, then the top is edged in turquoise. So it would all look amazing. Maybe a shawl. Yes, the aqua one. Okay, done. I'll be at yours at six."

Rose was at her salon and she ordered me to get myself in there quick smart and soon I was being primped and having my eyebrows tortured as my hair was turbaned in a deep conditioning treatment. I stared at my green avocado face-packed face in the mirror and was glad James could not see me now because he would run screaming for the hills.

"So, tell me all you know about James," Rose ordered, filing my nails and dipping them in something stinky.

"Not a lot. He was virtually widowed. His fiancee died before they got to marry, and in time he met someone else and got married. Now he is divorced, that was four years ago, I think he said. So, now he's looking for sad company and who fits that description better than I do?"

"So, is it an evening of crying into your beer, and wailing and gnashing your teeth, do you think?" she said with evident disappointment.

"Actually, Rose, when we were talking earlier I did something I haven't done in years."

She looked at me in the mirror and raised her eyebrows.

"I laughed, Rose."

"Wow. I thought you'd had sex on the beach; I'd believe that before I would expect you to say you laughed. I think I like this James already."

Despite being safely married to Emmett McCarty, I knew she would have drooled had she been with me when James appeared today.

"Call me tomorrow and I'll let you know what I think of him after the date," I said.

I got home to find Alice in my house, and she practically stripped me naked in the sitting room.

"Here, new panties, of the non sensible type. Push up bra to make the most of your assets. Skirt, perfect fit, as I expected. Blouse, mind you hair, Rose is an artist. Now, sit and I'll put on your shoes. I know I don't like flats but these look gorgeous on and you are keeping them. Happy Unbirthday. The red pair are in the bag as well. I shall expect to see them on your feet for your second date."

"If he asks me out again after tonight," I reminded her.

" He , you look wonderful. Look in the mirror."

It was a shock, seeing the woman who looked back at me. I looked years younger than I had looked lately and my hair was trimmed and shaped and as glossy as a shampoo commercial. The clothes fit like a glove and after Alice pried another blouse button undone, I had to admit I looked quite hot. I never expected that to happen to me again in this lifetime. Even if the date was an epic fail, at least it had forced me to dress up for once.

I wished I'd looked this good at Edward's second wedding. That would have given him pause for thought before he bolted down the aisle with Victoria.

"And now, I disappear. Jazz is cooking tonight. I have an entire evening of sloth in front of me, so have fun, Sweetie and remember you only live once. No old ladies in nursing homes sit there saying they wish they hadn't fucked as many men as they did when they were young, only the opposite."

"Thank you for that very Rose-like sentiment," I replied, as she kissed my cheek and disappeared.

I fed the dog and filled his water bowl and locked up the house.

Edward knew I'd never cope with leaving the home where Angie had grown up so he signed it over to me free and clear when the divorce went through. I loved him for that because I'd never feel that any other house was 'home'.

I'd never seen the house he and Vicki had bought, but I'd heard it was nice. Lots of glass and wood and a modern design, not like this comfortable cottage that our daughter had loved as much as we did. Edward had known a man who thatched roofs in England before he migrated here, so he asked him to do our roof. It had taken all our savings but it was worth it.

Our rose garden held a rosebush for every family member and friend we had lost and Charlie's roses were in full bloom, rich and red. Angie's soft pink roses were always on show, Mother Nature had forgotten to tell the shrub it was only meant to bloom in Spring, so almost always, there were a dozen roses of hers rambling over the front fence.

James arrived on time and looked quite fabulous himself. I could see he was rather shocked at how well I had scrubbed up and I sensed a new level of interest in his gaze. I think he'd been looking for someone just to talk over his losses with, and instead he was seeing me as something different; something more.

"Can I help? Do you want me to set your intruder alarm?" he asked as I grabbed my handbag and keyed in the code with my body shielding the numbers from James eyes as Edward had taught me.

Trust nobody.

"It's fine. It's habit nowadays," I replied.

I have to say I always assumed Edward was the last living gentleman who opened car doors and treated a girl like a lady but James rivalled him with all the attention he lavished my way. He was beside the passenger door practically as soon as he parked in the restaurant parking lot, and had my arm in his as he escorted me inside.

The waitress looked disappointed that he had me with him and tried to direct us to a table in the noisier family area but James shook his head and handed her a bill from his pocket and she grudgingly took us to the intimate tables for two down the back.

James held my chair out and I sat down. I looked around and saw Jessica and Mike and their brood as the kids jumped about and fought and squabbled and their Mother tried to control them all ,while Mike eyed up the two young, pretty girls at the adjoining table.

It seemed nothing had changed in my years of absence as I grieved alone at home, rarely showing my face to the world.

Jess waved tentatively and raised her eyebrows at James, giving me a thumbs up after she scrutinized him carefully from her seat across the room.

"So, Bella, I have to admit you have surprised me. I wasn't expecting all this glamour. You look amazing."

"Thank you, James, " I replied. "You look pretty good yourself."

"We should order and have something to drink," he suggested and the waitress appeared.

I agreed to a Vodka Cranberry seeing it had healthy fruit involved and warned James of my pathetic level of alcohol tolerance and he laughed and said that was good to know, but he never bought either of us a third drink so I knew he had taken notice and wasn't out to get me drunk.

The meal was great, and we ordered three different dishes and shared them between us.

The waitress was very attentive and it went right over James' head so I gave her a death glare so she would back off and leave me to my date.

"So, what shall we discuss first?" I asked him.

"Do you want to talk about your daughter? I promise not to interrupt."

"Not yet. Not tonight. I'd rather hear about your fiancee. Maybe if I listen to someone's else's loss, mine won't be so overwhelming."

"Okay, that's fine. Marie was quite simply, everything I ever wanted. Beautiful, talented, funny yet clever, I can't say enough good things about her. I miss her terribly and greatly fear there will never be another girl quite like her. But to be honest, tonight has made me wonder if maybe I shouldn't be searching for someone different instead of looking for a carbon copy. I think a woman like you could create her own space in any man's heart."

"James, you flatter me," I replied, but I have to admit, it was nice being appreciated again and not having my emotions limited to pain and anger for once.

"Would you be interested in dating me? Regularly? I'm no Edward Cullen but I think I pass muster as a decent guy who just wants to live and enjoy life again and I think you want those things too, Bella. It's impossible to turn back the clock, no matter how much we wish we could, but maybe we could see one another and have a little fun along the way. It's got to be better to share outings than go everywhere alone, like a spare wheel."

"I really don't go out anywhere," I admitted.

"That changed tonight, and there can be more dates like this. Just say the word. I will never push you for more than you want to give me. You can even put me in the 'friends only' category, but I hope you don't," he said with a grin.

"I guess we could try dating, then, if you really are willing to downgrade to nights out as friends if we don't click."

"Sure, it will be your choice. Edward and Victoria have managed to create something new and beautiful for themselves. It's exciting, Bella, to meet and get to know a new person properly. I'm glad you are willing to give us a chance before deciding what we could be. I can accept friendship only. I would love to find out we are compatible. Marie was definitely the girl of my dreams, but I tried again, albeit with the wrong girl. I think I met Victoria too close to after I lost Marie. Now I feel like I've taken time to discover who I am and what I want. Just because Marie seemed to be the only girl for me at the time, that doesn't mean there isn't room in my heart for you, or someone else."

"Let's see how comfortable we are around one another and go from there," I suggested.

James ordered plain Cokes and I gratefully downed mine.

"They are trying for a baby, you know. Nobody is meant to know that, so please don't tell him I told you. I just think you need to be pre warned. So it doesn't blindside you when it happens. That would be cruel."

"Thanks for telling me. I kind of figured they wouldn't waste any time. Edward wants to be a father again and he is thirty five so he can't delay it too much longer. I just hoped they'd wait and be sure they are happy together first. He hates the idea of broken families, he's been there and done that. Though there was no child involved by the time we fell apart."

"Bella, I've spent a lot of time with them since they started seeing each other. Vic and I are like siblings, almost, nowadays so I get invited over a lot. I hate to add to your hurt but they are amazing together. It's obvious they are well suited, in and out of bed. They are very touchy feely and they disappear regularly to go celebrate their passion together. They are very much in love, don't let him tell you otherwise. He is very conscious of hurting you by letting you see how happy and blissfully in love he is. He knows he should have waited and not been in her bed until you two divorced, but the pull was more than he could resist. Sometimes it's like that."

I nodded, hoping my face was not revealing the extent of pain his words had caused me.

It wasn't his fault, there was no point shooting the messenger and although I'd seen Edward a handful of times since the wedding, I'd never seen them together.

It was a shock to realize he fit with her as well as he had fit with me but then, Edward was a very passionate and loving man and he would not settle for less than true love. I should have known that.

I tried not to think back and estimate when he started being absent, after I rejected him one too many times. He had said he slept at the hospital or even at his parents house some nights. I guess in the haze of despair I'd never questioned it.

So, he'd sought the comfort of strangers, though Vic was hardly a stranger. We'd known her since college and she'd only really been out of our lives for a few years, obviously when she had been married to James. I don't think Edward or I had cared enough about her then to even ask anyone where she was or who she was with. I wondered why they had divorced. If he was a serial cheater, or a drunk or a wife abuser, that would be handy information to know. It seemed I always expected the worst these days.

"We can't go home yet," James announced when the food was eaten and I refused dessert on the grounds I might split Alice's skirt if I tried to stuff anymore food away, so he then came up with the bright idea we needed to dance off some of the calories we had consumed.

I frowned at the idea of going to a club here; they were bound to be full of teens with fake id's and twentysomethings but James assured me he knew just the right place and he drove us back to La Push and took my hand as he escorted me onto the beach.

He set his iPod onto a battery powered dock and the romantic sound of Savage Garden echoed along the empty beach as he bowed and took my hand. I couldn't remember the last time I went dancing. The moon shone down on us and lit up the sand, and James pulled me against his warm chest and sang along to the songs, and made my skin goosebump in the cold night air.

"Hey, we aren't teenagers so I am not expecting to go home with you tonight, so relax, Bella. By my age, I know anything good has to happen in it's own time, so maybe you would consider allowing me a single kiss tonight, and maybe next date we can double that quota."

What harm could a kiss do?

I smiled my acquiescence and he leaned in and caught my lips in his.

There was no buzz or fire, but maybe there was a gentle spark or two. I couldn't be sure.

True to his word, he took me home and made no attempt to try to talk his way inside.

After he unlocked the door and handed me my keys, he returned to his car and I waved from my doorway.

As he drove off into the night, I knew I had to completely let go of Edward, and try to move on, as he had done.

If he had fallen in love again, then there was hope that I could too.

Maybe with James; maybe not.

It didn't really matter. James could just be that guy that brought me back to life, nothing more.

If that were the case, then it was enough.

Bear stood there glaring into the distance as the car disappeared and I wondered if this dog was going to be a stumbling block to me moving on. If he tried to spoil things, I'd ask Edward to take him for a while.

After all, his world was already rebuilt, and complete.

I pretended that tonight James had told me Victoria was already pregnant, because I needed to work through the pain that announcement was going to cause one day so I had to get used to it now.

Maybe that way, when Edward actually told me, I'd really be able to sincerely wish him well with his new life and new family and finally walk away. James would probably object to us keeping in contact like we had been, and that was fair enough. You can't both hang on to the past and start anew.

Maybe he'd want Edward and I to make a clean break.

Maybe that would be the least painful way to go onward.

With Edward all loved up as he was, he was hardly going to care, anyway.

I was grateful and amazed that any man was willing to take a chance on me, so I guess James impressed me more tonight that he would have in the past.

I was some little broken bird and he was willing to wait or move slowly or just be my friend. I needed someone like that right now. Alice and Rose were wonderful but they both had husbands to go home to after they left my house, and I was always alone. So alone.

But it seemed like maybe it didn't have to be that way after all.

I was being offered another chance.

_Edward is gone, Bella. He's in love. He's going to start a new family and you will never have any place in his life from now on. You'll be just the embarrassing clingy ex wife who deludes herself that he still cares about you. Everyone else will see the truth and pity you. And feel sorry for him because he is too good a person to shake off his loser ex wife like he wants to. Grow up, face the reality and smell the coffee, girl._

_James could be the answer to something you didn't even know you wanted._

_Life has to be better than this abomination it has been for the past three years._

_Move on._

_Even Edward would like it if you did. You know that._

I made the decision in that moment and deleted Edward's name and number from my phone.

Then I sent James a text, thanking him for a lovely evening. He sent one back asking if we could repeat it again the next evening, so began the full on wooing of Bella Swan by James Hunt.

Flowers arrived daily.

Little boxes of handmade chocolates were waiting when I opened the front gate of a morning.

Alice filled my wardrobe with frocks and shoes and clapped her hands every time I refused an invitation to eat with her and Jasper, because I had yet another date with James.

All in all, my life was looking up.

Just when I'd hit rock bottom, along came a man on a white charger and saved me.

He understood me in ways few others could. We were bonded by our pain and I now felt could have a future, and something to live for, after all.

He had told me he and Victoria split up because she wanted more than he could offer and he knew by the time she became restless that she was not the girl for him anyway, so the divorce was amicable and wanted by them both equally.

I didn't think failing because you were with the wrong person was a crime or any indication we two wouldn't have a chance.

He _was _not Edward, but he was here.


	4. Chapter 4

I Was Broken

Chapter 4

EPOV

"Edward, seriously, you need to step up and take over now. I've given you time to get your life back on track but to be honest, managing Masen Industries is too time consuming for me. Esme and I would like to get away. She's talking world cruises and extreme adventure vacations. You need to get someone in to manage your interests if you still are reluctant to take over yourself."

I knew Carlisle was right but the thought of running a multi billion enterprise was nothing I had ever wanted. Edward Masen had been nothing to me and to leave me this obscene amount of money was beyond ridiculous.

But Carlisle deserved to be able to step away and go back to his own life. That much was true. Maybe Jenks could find me someone who knew more than I did about investments and stock maneuvers and whatever else was involved.

"Okay, Dad, fair point. I'll appoint a new trustee as soon as Jay finds me someone suitable. I really appreciate all you have done to take up the slack since ...I needed you to."

I still had trouble saying the words. Maybe if I avoided saying them, it wouldn't be true.

_Since Angela died._

I couldn't have managed a lemonade stand for the first twelve months after her death, let along this conglomerate that I had never asked for. Money was irrelevant and I earned enough to keep a roof over my head and Bella's and what more did we need? I'd always managed to pay the bills all our married life together and anything she earned had been hers to spend or save as she chose.

Usually we'd taken a yearly vacation with her savings so Angela had been well traveled and loved going abroad.

I had procrastinated enough, time to call Jenks.

Jay said he was pretty sure he could find someone suitable fairly quickly, which was good. I'd never really considered taking over myself, what did I know about high finance? I wished Edward Masen had never bequeathed the company to me to be honest. He had never been present in my life, so being told my biological father had left me in sole charge of his millions had meant nothing but an added burden.

My mother Elizabeth had died in childbirth and I'd been given up for adoption.

Carlisle and Esme had lost their own baby son and she couldn't have more children, so the answer was obvious.

The childless parents took on the parentless child.

The reason for my adoption had never really sunk in but then, when Bella was in labour with Angela, it had resurfaced in my mind I'd felt completely paralyzed with fear that our unborn child could take her away from me.

I had not expected to react like that when we both wanted our baby so very much, and Bella had seen the fear in my eyes and heard the terror in my voice as she pushed Angie into the world, and she even accepted that I could never go through that experience again. Thus Angela had remained our only child, and now I was sure it had been the wrong choice.

Had we had other children, we would not have had the 'luxury' of breaking down and going into shock. We'd have had other kids to be there for, and that would have pulled us back and forced us to function somewhere in the region of normalcy. I wondered if anyone else in living history had ever fucked up their life as much as I had.

Bella had talked about having more children once we finished college while she was carrying Angie, and at that time, I'd agreed with her. Obviously they couldn't happen earlier so there would be a largish gap between our first and subsequent offspring, but we had decided we needed to grow up and be sensible. It was enough to ask our Mothers for help with this first one.

The others would have to wait until we were settled back in Forks and Bella was ready to try for more..

So many regrets swirled around my head.

Victoria slept soundly beside me but my three hours of oblivion was up, and I decided to go to La Push and walk along the beach. The dark didn't frighten me. Only real life.

Angie loved the beach. Bella had brought her here so often and of course Jacob Black always managed to be around to join them if I wasn't with them.

He'd annoyed the crap out of me, mainly because there was never anything I could hold against him. He loved Bella, that was obvious from when we were about fifteen. She'd never seen him as a contender, and that was all I needed to know to trust her with him anytime.

She did have this thing for his long, black silky hair and one night he and I were standing together in a bar and he mentioned he was thinking of getting it cut short because 'women', meaning Bella, did not take him seriously, and he thought maybe it was because he still had the same hairstyle he'd had in his teens.

I may have egged him on and encouraged him to have that haircut. I was fed up with his barely concealed adoration of my wife and just hoped he would move the fuck on to some other girl.

He saw Bella's face drop the next time we all met up, and he knew instantly I had knowingly set him up to fall.

Ever since, he's been growing his hair again but too late. Bella had already seen that the only thing she ever found attractive about him was hair, nothing more, so it has had no effect.

I admit I thought she might reconsider and run to him after I left, but she hadn't. It would have been both better and worse if she had. I did want her to be happy, but I'd always managed to make her happy myself so it was impossible to be impartial and stand back hoping she'd turn to him.

I could make out the figure of a woman and a dog further along the sand in front of me and felt myself bristle as I recognised Bella. What the Hell was she thinking, walking along the shore in the middle of the night?

Quickening my pace, I hurried to catch up and Bear turned and barked joyfully at my approach.

Bella looked to see who he had spied, and stopped.

"Are you insane?" I cried as I caught up with her. "Anybody could be here at this hour. What if someone attacked you? Surely you have the sense not do anything reckless, and keep yourself safe?"

"Hello, Edward. Nice to see you too," she replied, and I heard the warning in her voice. She was telling me to back off.

"Can't you walk Bear in the daytime? Why on Earth are you here at this hour?" I asked, trying to calm down.

"Bear has taken a completely unreasonable dislike to a friend that I've been spending time with so it's night walks or no walks."

"Have you blocked my calls? I have been trying to contact you for weeks. I came to the cottage several times but I see you have changed the combination on the gate."

"You are the one who told me to do that, have you forgotten?" she growled.

I stood there, confused. Where was my Bella? Who was this new version? For three years she had been so introverted and quiet and broken, and as a result she had become compliant and docile.

Now she was sparking, and I loved it.

I reached out a hand and touched her shoulder and the jolt leapt through us both and she tossed my hand away and stepped back.

"Don't touch me."

"Why not? What do you think will happen if we touch?" I teased.

"Nothing," she replied, resuming her walk with the dog. I kept pace and grinned at her.

"You are a married man and you know my policy about cheating. You could touch me all day and I'd never let you kiss me."

"Who says I want to kiss you? As you rightly point out, I have a perfectly lovely wife at home who I can kiss any time I want."

"Then go home and kiss her and stop bugging me," she answered.

"I'd rather kiss you," I told her honestly. Goddam, where was this little firecracker when I was around, waiting for her to snap out of her grief and see me again? If I'd known there was the slightest chance this Bella was going to emerge, wild horses would not have been able to drag me from her side.

"I have a kissing partner, thank you," she threw at me and I stopped walking in surprise.

"You are kissing someone else? How did that happen?" I asked, feeling my stomach drop and twist with jealousy.

She shrugged.

"He came along the beach on his white horse and swept me off my feet. I figured it was time to move on, and I was right."

"Bella, what are you talking about? You've found someone new? I need a moment to absorb this. Why haven't you told me? This is so out of the blue. I'm happy for you, of course, but Bella.."

"What, Edward? You did it first. You moved on, and even got married. If you can then why shouldn't I?"

"Because...because..." I had no answer. Of course she was as entitled as I was to move on. I was being a dick. I sank down onto the sand and reminded myself to breathe slowly and deeply as a panic attack tried to overtake me.

Bella immediately dropped to my side and put her hands on my shoulders, intending to calm me but the shock surged through us. Her face was inches from mine and I leaned up and caught her lips with my own.

For one heart stopping, amazing moment she kissed me back and I tried to reach out and pull her to me, but she jerked back and threw the dog's leash at me, before jumping up.

"You have no right to kiss me, Edward. Never do that again. I'm with someone else and so are you. I know you cheated on me with her but that doesn't mean I would let you cheat on her with me."

"I never cheated on you," I protested.

"You never took Victoria to bed before the divorce?" Bella questioned, but her tone revealed she thought she already knew the answer.

I hesitated because yes, I took Victoria to bed, but I hadn't slept with her. Not in the sexual meaning of the phrase.

"I..." I had no idea what to say, how to explain.

"So it's true. I thought maybe he was exaggerating to make you look bad and make himself look better but he was telling the truth. Stay away from me. I need you to keep Bear for a while but I want him back if things become permanent. He'll just have to suck it up and get used to having a new man around the house."

With that, she was gone, and I was sitting on a beach in the middle of the night with a dog.

X~x~X

Victoria came back to the bedroom with coffee and handed it to me.

"Good morning. We appear to have a dog. I put it outside because it snarled at me. I assume it's Bella's dog?"

"It was Angela's dog. Bella asked me to mind it for a while. It appears that Bear is not fond of her new boyfriend."

"Bella has a boyfriend? Good for her," Vic replied.

"Yes, yay for Bella's new boyfriend," I said grumpily.

"Hey, you must have known she'd move on one day. You didn't expect her to sit around and mourn your leaving forever, surely."

"I should be happy for her, shouldn't I? She's just doing what I did first. I guess I'm just a selfish bastard, Victoria, but then, you know that already, don't you?"

Victoria opened her robe and sat down astride my lap.

"Well, I have been very patient with you. Maybe now it's my turn to have some fun. Maybe if you use this anger you are feeling for good, instead of evil, the sex between us could actually be decent for once."

I looked at her in surprise. It seemed the women in my life were growing tired of being compliant all around. I threw her onto the bed, and closed my eyes tightly, and fucked her hard for the first time. She was screaming my name repeatedly before I gave up trying to come myself, and for the first time in my life, I faked an orgasm.

It seemed men can do that as well.

Her obvious delight meant nothing to me and I felt dirty. I was angry at myself, angry at Bella, and felt nothing at all for Victoria, apart from contempt.

I wanted to hurt her for being there in the first place and not making me stay where I belonged. If she hadn't offered her sympathy, I'd have waited forever for my wife to recover enough to accept my comfort.

I went into the shower and ignored the tears that ran down my face. They were probably just shower water.

X~x~X

Alec seemed to be the pick of the men Jay had gathered here today and he had managed similar businesses in the past. His resume was impressive and I called him back in for another chat.

"I think you may be what I'm looking for. Tell me a few of your ideas about how you would manage this trust for me."

"Firstly, you need to set up a charity and funnel off some of your profit. You are paying a fortune in tax. Is there any particular direction you would prefer to go?"

Bella had always been concerned about homeless people, and children in desperately poor countries and donated as much as she could to both causes.

"I want to help the homeless for a start. You probably know the best way to do that."

"Of course. I think the way to go is to set up your own charity and that way you will know every cent you donate will go where it's meant to and not get eaten up by administration costs. I can handle that as well as the general running of the corporation."

"I'd also like to see a fund set up to build schools and improve the living conditions of children in poorer countries. And here as well. We have our own to take care of. Split it down the middle, half to foreign aid and half to be spent here."

"That's a good idea. Now, we need a name. Do you want to go with something obvious or something private? The Edward Cullen Foundation would work."

"No, I already know what it will be called. The Isabella Marie Swan Trust for the children's charity and Angela's Legacy for the homeless. This money would have gone to Angela in time, after Bella and I died, if she wanted it. I don't want any of the profit sent my way. None of it. If there's one thing I have learned it's that having more money than you need is pointless in the grand scheme of things. If I could buy back my daughter's life, I'd happily hand over every cent."

"Was this money the reason your daughter was kidnapped?" he asked.

"No. I didn't even know this company existed back then. By the time it was bequeathed to me, Angela was missing and all I cared about was finding her. I didn't know my biological father was a billionaire until a long time after the funeral. Nobody knew I was to inherit this, so it couldn't have been the motivation."

"Why was she taken?" he said, frowning.

"I have no clue. There was nothing in it for him. I mean, we feared she'd been taken by some child abuser but she hadn't been touched. I don't think it's common for a pedophile to take a child of her age for a start. She wasn't prepubescent. She looked older than her age, if anything.

I know there are creeps out there who prey on young girls but one of those would have taken advantage of her as soon as he got his hands on her."

"Then I think you should consider that someone knew you were about to move into billionaire status. You say nobody knew, but these business transfers take work and somebody, some company full of somebodies, knew, even before you did."

I'd never considered Angela could have been snatched for ransom because any ransom we could have managed to get together would never have offset the risks they were taking, considering the punishment they'd face if caught.

The cottage had been our main asset and it was valued at a little over three hundred thousand, a paltry amount to risk life in prison for. And the way the real estate market was, they'd be waiting months for the place to sell so we could pay them.

But if Alec was right, it might explain why Angela was held for those weeks.

Maybe they took her on impulse because she had been out alone for once, and held her waiting for my inheritance to be transferred. I would normally have known about my inheritance and had control of this obscene amount of money within a week of her kidnapping but Jenks had told the supposed 'good news' to Carlisle when he couldn't reach me, and my Dad had decided that was not the right time to spring this surprise on me.

All I cared about was finding my daughter.

Bella was hysterical and still deluded enough to think Angie had simply gone away somewhere with a friend and would come home again. She'd clutched at any straw available. Maybe Angie had bumped her head and had amnesia and some nice family had taken her in but had no television so didn't know we were looking for her.

Maybe she'd wandered into the forest and become disorientated and was wandering around in circles.

Charlie had given his daughter all the help she needed, and she'd led the searchers deeper into the woods than anyone had ever been before, day after day, calling Angela's name. Our friends from our schooldays had all come to help and the forest had been alive with people desperately looking under every rock, behind every tree.

Jake had been useful for once and had organized search parties on the Res and had every inch of their property searched and searched again.

He'd combed the beaches and the cliffs and even the water below in case she had fallen.

He had men watching the tides, knowing exactly where her body would be washed up if that were how it had to end.

I wish if she had to die, it had been that simple. Just a misstep, just an accident. We possibly would have been able to handle that.

If the blasphemy Alec was suggesting was right, had Angela survived, I guess we would have been offered her safe return in exchange for this bounty that I had never expected or wanted. They could have had every cent if they'd asked and given her back to us.

Bella still had no idea about this company and I was loathe to tell her, now. She would never accept one penny more than she needed to survive and I'd kept paying all her living expenses because she had never spared a thought to think about why no demands for payment for her electricity and rates and such had ever arrived in her mailbox.

Her head had been elsewhere and it was the least I could do for her.

The money she inherited from Charlie was paying for her expenses associated with her car, and her groceries these days, ever since she realized I was still completely supporting her financially and she'd rebelled, but only partially. One day she would think about it and know she was still receiving my help but for now, she was oblivious.

Victoria knew nothing about this inheritance , either, or she'd be pushing to get her hands on some of the money already.

I wanted it to all go away, disappear.

I needed to talk to Carlisle and Jay and find out how to make that happen. All I'd keep was the profits that would pay for the two charities, and for Alec's salary to run them. Everything else had to be given to God knows who. There was no way on God's green earth I could ever consider fathering another child if this obscenity had been the reason behind the death of Angela.

X~x~X

Victoria was asleep long before Emmett half carried me inside and dropped me onto the bed in the Guest Room. He pulled off my shoes and threw a blanket over me, then settled himself down on a chair beside the bed.

Through the haze of the alcohol induced stupor, I heard him call Rosalie and explain he was staying here for the night to make sure I didn't choke or die of alcoholic poisoning.

I tried to tell him I really didn't care if either of those things happened. If what Alec suspected was true, my inheritance had cost me my daughter.

In the morning, my head throbbed and my throat was raw from a few sessions hanging my head over the porcelain, and Emmett was snoring loudly from the bed. At some point we'd swapped places and I'd slept upright in the chair between trips to the bathroom.

I shook him awake as I knew he had to take his boys to Little League this morning, and he rubbed the sleep from his eyes and sat up.

"Hey Edward, you talk in your sleep. Did you know that? What's the Isabella Swan Trust?"

I blanched.

"You heard that?"

"Sure. You babbled on for hours, talking about homeless shelters and building schools and orphanages. You might want to consider sleeping in a different bed to your wife, by the way. I doubt she'd be too happy to hear you kissed Bella on the beach in the middle of the night."

X~x~X

BPOV

I was still infuriated by the time I got home and I slammed the door behind me and stomped up the staircase. The gall of the man! It had been fine and dandy for him to go off and screw Victoria, though in my heart I knew she had saved him, when I couldn't have.

But even so, he had no right to get all precious over James and me.

What I did was nothing to do with him any more.

A long hot shower usually calmed me down but I was ropable.

To add to my mood, Renee called complaining about how she now suspected she had made a mistake leaving Phil. It was just one more example of her not thinking through the consequences of her actions before giving in to a sudden impulse. They'd only split up a week earlier, and she was hating being alone.

Join the club, Mother.

It did make me worry about my own future more seriously. I didn't want to be alone long term, I knew that already.

But I still wasn't in a place where making life affecting decisions was a good idea.

James arrived at breakfast time and took me off for a picnic on the beach and I refused to even let my eyes stray along to where Edward and I had been kissing in the sand. Sitting, sitting in the sand. Not kissing.

One kiss, it meant nothing.

I hadn't meant to kiss him back. I probably blacked out and had no idea what I was doing.

"Where have you gone, Bella?" James asked, waving a hand in front of my face.

"I've never had a picnic breakfast," I told him, determined to enjoy this outing, and forget all about that kiss. He fed me a strawberry dipped in chocolate, and I let him.

"No dog today? Have you locked him up in a kennel? Usually he rushes to take a bite of my heels when I arrive."

"Edward has him for a few weeks. I figured if Bear was going to make you feel uncomfortable and unwelcome, then he needed a break away from us. I'm sure he's just as happy with Victoria feeding him as he is with me. Edward managed to replace me with her, so the dog can as well," I said, trying to keep the bitterness from my voice.

"Vicky hates dogs," James laughed. "I can't wait to hear how much she hates having Bear snap at her instead of me. Serves her right, she has been very unsympathetic when I complain about it to her."

I brightened up at his words.

"I love how you and Victoria have stayed close. One day maybe Edward and I will manage to be just like you two are. Though you two split cleanly and had no cheating involved. I guess that made things easier."

"Bella, you need to forgive and forget. You guys fell apart in extreme circumstances. I'm sure Edward was out of his right mind when he turned to her. Hey, it could have been you. Can you say positively that had we already met, you wouldn't have welcomed some respite from the pain with a friendly new pal?"

"Sex was the last thing on my mind. I just wanted to die for such a long time."

"Yeah, men are different. I made a few bad choices after Marie died. Slept in a few strange beds, and woke up with no idea how I got there. It's called doing what you have to do to get through another night and survive. You can't compare his seeking comfort to regular, everyday infidelity. The latter is a clear minded choice. I think you'd agree Edward was not of clear mind at that point."

"I'm so glad you are willing to talk to me like this. Most guys would be sick and tired of listening to me go on about my husband by now."

"Ex-husband. I'm hoping that the position of 'husband' is available to another man now."

I sat back in surprise.

Sure, we got on great but it had been just a matter of six months since that day on the beach and rushing into a marriage was not my style. I'd had a baby even and still not rushed into my first wedding.

James got up and then sank onto one knee and took my hand.

"Bella, we get on great, and there's no reason you and I can't replicate what Edward and Victoria have managed to build together. We can be each other's second chances. Would you marry me?"

Before I could answer, he slipped a rather large diamond ring on my bare finger and sat back on his heels, doing the big puppy dog eyes at me.

_This is it, Bella. You'd better have a really good reason if you say no, because this is probably the only other man who will ever ask that question. Think of it this way...do you want a new life partner or do you want to live the rest of your life alone? You didn't like alone before. Let's see, thirty five; that leaves around fifty years to go. Are we knitting by the fire or playing with fire instead? Of course you might get burned but then, it might easily be just the thing that keeps you warm as you roll around on a bearskin rug in front of it instead._

_WWED?_

I think that's what pushed me out of my comfort zone.

What would Edward do?

He'd already done it.

"I would love to marry you, James," I replied, and he leaned in and kissed the same lips Edward had kissed.

Of course it wasn't the same but this was a new and different life. Anyway, we could have a long engagement and be really sure this was what we both wanted.

"Let's go dress shopping. I guess we've both been there, done that with the frilly meringue bit so we can do casual. Whatever you prefer."

I didn't see any reason to rush out and buy a dress but James was as excited as a kid on Christmas morning so I played along, and by noon I had a pretty mauve lace frock, and matching shoes, and he had a lilac shirt that was beautifully tailored. Alice had looked torn as she outfitted us both. I knew she was happy that I was coming back to life but she had always thought Edward and I were a perfect match. This was hard for her.

"Leave them on," he suggested. "You look amazing. I want to see you looking like this for a while. You have an appointment with Rosalie next."

Rose didn't even try to hide her confusion as she pulled and twisted my hair into place. She'd ordered James to go get himself shaved and his hair trimmed in her men's section, out of hearing range.

"You do know what you are doing? If you go along with this, then Edward cannot even come to his senses and come back. You will have slammed that door permanently."

"Rose, he's in love with Victoria. She's probably pregnant by now. He's chosen his future and it doesn't include me."

"All the same, why is James in such a rush? Ever since I got the invitation, I've had a bad feeling in my gut."

I had no idea what invitation she meant and she yanked on my hair and I cried out and forgot to ask.

"You are a grown woman, I get that but I just think you aren't seeing the bigger picture. Is James truly what you want? Tell me to back off and I will, I promise but I would hardly be a good friend if I sat back and let him rush you into something you are not ready for. Say the word and I'll tell him to cool his heels and give you more time and space to think and decide your own future, with or without him. He doesn't intimidate me. Him sticking that rock on your finger doesn't have to mean anything,Bella. It's not legally binding. You could still walk away."

"Why would I want to do that, Rose? If I change my mind about him, I believe I can stand on my own two feet and tell him myself. Thanks for caring, but truly, I'm in a different zone these days and I feel positive about my future. The alternative was wallowing in the deep, dark empty place I'd been for so long. Believe me, I never want to go back there."

"But is this the way you want to reclaim your life? You don't know him that well yet."

"I know him better than you think. We get along great, Rosalie. There was never any chance that I would find another man like Edward, but the way I see it, Edward has always had the power to truly hurt me, and with James, I feel like I can be my own person and remain in charge of my heart. That's the way I want things to be. He can never hurt me nearly as much as Edward did. That is a source of comfort to me. I like him, a lot. I never thought I'd ever say that about any other man."

"Is it love, Bella? Or is it settling for what's available because what you want, you can't have?"

I knew she was right.

"James is enough, Rose. Don't worry about me. Okay? I love that you care but please don't make me feel like I need your approval and permission to reach for a new beginning."

"See you later then," she replied as James paid and we left.

He stripped off his old back shirt and pulled on the new one, and took my hand.

"Come on, we have things to do. I want a reminder of today. We look amazing, I need pictures."

On the drive, I asked a million questions that he evaded answering, and in the end I gave up.

He took me to a photography studio, where we apparently had an appointment, and we posed together for photos, then James drove us to an unfamiliar newer part of town, and pulled to a stop in front of a modern wooden house with big glass windows. He opened the car door and took my hand.

"Surprise. I know it's sudden and it may even feel kind of strange but Vicky wanted to do this for us."

"What? Is she throwing us an engagement party? For real?" I asked in surprise.

"Not quite. More a surprise wedding. Say it's okay, Bella. Say you'll keep your promise and marry me now, today."

Even then I think I would have backed out if not for what happened next.

Edward was standing beside his car in the driveway and Victoria was standing there facing him.

"Are you insane?" he screamed at her, completely unaware we were walking towards them both. "Bella would never marry him. She's bluffing. She's not ready for this. How could she be? She was a walking zombie six months ago and now he's forcing her down the aisle? She hardly knows your precious Jamie and had she told me who she was dating, I would have stepped in and put a stop to this immediately."

My hackles rose. Even Charlie had never reacted this way over Edward and me when I was a teenager and I was not used to being treated like a child by my ex-husband.

He saw Victoria glance in our direction, and he stalked over and tried to grab my forearms.

"Bella, don't be ridiculous. This is not what you want. It's most certainly not what I want to see you do. This is just crazy. Walk away."

"Please don't, Edward," I answered, shaking his hands away before the damned buzz took over my mind and made me think again about what I was about to do. I had to move on, and seeing my Edward right here, unavailable to me now and forever, only made the alternate feel more right.

"Bella, if you have any feelings left for me at all, then don't do this."

"Excuse me, I have a wedding to attend," I said, battling to keep my voice even. I stepped away from him, and turned to grab for James hand.

James stepped forward and put his arm around my waist, standing before Edward, as if daring him to do more to stop us. It felt like one of those schoolyard stand offs between the ex boyfriend and the new beau. Almost a pissing contest.

Edward held his gaze and his eyes were hard and black and so cold.

James just smirked and we went around to the backyard.

Rose and Emmett were there, with their little boys all dressed up to the nines.

Alice and Jasper were sitting near the makeshift aisle. Jazz stood up and came to my side and kissed my cheek.

He ignored James completely, apart from waving him away.

"Bella, is this really what you want? I'll be proud to walk you to him and hand you over in place of your Father, if you tell me this is the future you seek."

I smiled at his concerned face.

"It's not ideal and it isn't my first choice but that choice is no longer mine to choose. So, yes, Jazz. If the choice here today is marry James or be alone, and watch Edward and Victoria raise babies together while I drink myself to death, then yes, this is the future I choose."

Jasper took my arm and I glanced around at the friends gathered here today and smiled at Jess and Mike and their brood, and Lauren and her husband Tyler. A few other faces smiled back but all I could see was James waiting patiently for me to walk up to him in front of the man who was about to marry us.

Jasper walked slowly, watching my face intently, his eyes conveying if I gave him the slightest sign, he would grab me and race me away in his own car, no matter what anyone thought. He was just as much my dear friend as his wife was, and he would always be here for me, in good times and bad. I nodded and smiled and he sighed and walked me to James.

From inside the house, we all heard the crash. It sounded like maybe Edward had just smashed a rather large television set or something similar.

It seemed he was not going to politely watch me say my vows to James even though I had once managed to survive him saying his to Victoria.

I stood there proud and defiant and repeated the words spoken to me.

Isabella Marie Swan Cullen Swan now had a new name to add to her title.

Hunt.

Bella Swan may have walked up this aisle but Bella Hunt walked back down it, with her new husband on her arm.

A mistake?

Maybe.

Only time would tell.


	5. Chapter 5

Chapter 5

BPOV

As honeymoons went, the things that saved it were the fact we were in Hawaii, in a top class resort and James was very generous, buying me jewelry and pretty trinkets as well as a shitload of beautiful clothing that would be useless in Forks.

There were many other honeymooning couples, and I found myself envying them as they goofed around, kissing and touching in public, oblivious of the rest of us.

We were hardly the same age they were but still, it would have been nice to have just one person be able to detect that yes, we too were honeymooners, and not have them instantly raise their eyebrows in surprise when we told them ourselves.

James was as restrained as Edward was openly affectionate.

In bed, the less said the better.

Of course it had been awkward and I didn't have any clues about what he would do first or how he wanted me to respond, and I kept trying to do what I'd always done with Edward, which just irritated James more.

"Bella, for God's sake, you are not a prostitute. I don't expect you to perform any tricks. Look, just lie there and let me do the work. Okay?"

"Okay. Right," I agreed, lying there waiting.

I may have only had the single lover in my past but still, James was as I'd heard many schoolboys were when they started out, and nothing he did aroused me in any way.

Finally he just did it, and I stared at him as he screwed his eyes shut tight and got on with it.

I was almost bored, which can't be good.

He chanted something over and over under his breath as he lunged inside me, and if I was a paranoid person, I would have interpreted the word as 'Vicky'.

Luckily sex was obviously nowhere near as important to him as it was to Edward, and James considered a single weekly session adequate to his needs. My needs were completely ignored.

Out of bed, he was quite wonderful.

I couldn't look at a dress or necklace without him wanting to buy it for me, and he was happy doing whatever I wanted, whether that was hiking through one of the smaller islands jungle growth, or laying by the pool at the resort for the entire day sipping cocktails.

Week two I found out about the deserted beaches on one island and we went there.

Maybe some naked swimming in a lagoon and a picnic on the sand without another single human in sight might work the magic.

We swam, and touched a little in the water, then James decided he was hungry.

For food.

We ate and drank and he promptly fell asleep in the sun.

I wandered around and picked flowers, probably illegally but doesn't everyone want to do something daring on their honeymoon? I was hardly joining in group sex , though the idea was starting to appeal to me.

I still wasn't sure if the marriage was an epic fail or not. James was always courteous and polite.

If I'd been the Mother of the Bride I would have thought he was perfect. He was such a 'nice boy' but I didn't want a nice boy in my bed.

I wanted a wild and hungry man who considered three times a night to be an off night.

I wanted a man that went crazy at the sight of my naked body and couldn't wait to make it to the bed.

I wanted to be slammed up against a wall and have my nipples sucked as my husband rammed me senseless.

Fuck, I wanted Edward sex.

Or maybe I just wanted Edward.

I knew I was being ridiculous and at least James never made me scream so there was no chance I'd scream the wrong name.

What it did teach me was that Edward and I really did need space from one another if my marriage was going to work. That meant no kissing on the beach or anywhere else.

It meant accepting he was married and taken and had to exert all his energy on his marriage and I had to do the same with mine.

It meant I couldn't see or speak to Edward again.

That part proved to be easy. He didn't attempt to call or visit and we both took evasive action if we saw one another anywhere. If we were invited to the same dinner parties, I'd refuse on the grounds I had mysterious migraines as soon as I talked to the hostess and found out who the other guests were, if he and Victoria were mentioned.

Alice and Rose both made a point of only ever inviting one couple to their celebrations and kept a tally so we both were included an even amount of times.

Rose always told me when she was not including me on her guestlist, and we both knew why and it was fine.

I got to attend Troy's birthday party because he was my Godson; Edward got to go to Tyler's.

If we ended up at the same parties, Edward would shrug and point to outside, and I'd point to either him or myself, telling him who would shiver out around the pool gatherings and who would get to stay and circulate indoors.

That was the extent of our togetherness.

James and Victoria ignored us and our signals and sat together, laughing and talking about old times and old friends and I felt as alone as I had before the marriage, as I stood by a window drinking my drink and watching Edward pretend to enjoy the company of the people out there with him.

His eyes would drift my way and I'd have to turn and walk away and find a place to sit and wait for the evening to be over.

James didn't get why we couldn't just go be best buddies with our exes now we were all happily married and he wanted us to become one big, happy family.

Luckily he realized how painful these get togethers were for me and instead, he visited the happy couple at their house and I started taking advantage of his absences to catch up on my reading.

One night James made me a hot chocolate drink and I fell asleep almost instantly, and that became the pattern.

He kept up with his various friends, and I caught up with the sleep I'd longed for over the past three years.

It wouldn't suit everybody but it suited us.

For a time.

EPOV

"I want to read it myself," I assured Carlisle as he sat behind his desk, holding the autopsy report on our daughter. "I couldn't face seeing her like that, so the least I can do is read how it was for her when she died."

"I told you everything you needed to hear. She was well-fed, clean, no cuts or bruises. The autopsy showed a congenital heart defect that I should have picked up years ago. I will always have to live with that but you don't have to live with reading this. Once you read it, you can't go back and unread it."

"Did you see her?" I asked. I hadn't been able to bear talking about any of this earlier but it had been nearly four years.

"No. Esme begged me not to. She wanted our last memory of Angela to be of how she was at her birthday party. She had been so happy that day. Esme has the photos and we choose to pretend she's just away. At college, maybe."

I took the folder from his hand while he was distracted and sat down, scanning the words.

"He cut off her hair? Why would he do that? What possible reason would he have to shave her head?"

"Right, I told you not to read it, now as your superior, I'm ordering you to hand that back to me and get back to work."

I dropped the pages and walked out. Dad was right, there was nothing to be gained by knowing any more than I already had nightmares about.

Marcus was working on an accident victim in the ER so I took the clinic which dealt with non urgent cases and tried to forget the little I had read. Angie had such beautiful hair. It was so thick and long, and fell well past her waistline and tended to curl on the ends. It had been the same colour as my hair, to Bella's delight, and she had my green eyes.

People had paused in the street to look at us both whenever we were out together.

I felt bad knowing her identification had rested on DNA testing but even though I'd seen plenty of dead bodies in my training and work, it was vastly different when it was your child. Anyway, Bella had been inconsolable from the moment Charlie had informed us officially that a girl had been found dead. He had described the outfit she was wearing and it matched with the one Bella had bought for Angela on her birthday so there was no way either of us needed the extra pain of seeing her.

Anyway, my job had shifted to keeping my wife from jumping off a cliff, and she had been sedated and hospitalized, so I had to be there for her. Bella had never liked to be alone.

Well, she wasn't alone any more, was she?

I reached for the next card as I walked to the door and read out the name.

"Isabella Hunt."

We hadn't seen one another since the tragedy that had been her wedding and I knew at some point I had to apologize for my reaction. Might as well be today.

Bella stood there hesitantly, biting that poor lip that was always the victim when she was worried.

"Come on in," I said, in my professional voice.

She came in reluctantly and sat down as I closed the door behind her.

"I thought Marcus did clinic today."

"I was in with Carlisle and an emergency came into the ER so Marcus attended to it. I took over his job," I replied. "Do you have a problem with that? You can wait until he's done if you prefer."

"No, it's okay," she decided.

"What's the problem?" I inquired, my stomach churning. If she asked for a pregnancy test, I would lose it completely. She had been in his bed for six months after all and if she wanted another child, it had to be soon. I know she hadn't wanted one with me, but maybe time had healed her to the point where she wanted to regain something more of what she had lost.

"As you know, I rarely slept after..."

I nodded.

"For three years I existed on maybe two, or three at most hours each night, if I didn't take the tablets."

"You're still not sleeping?" I asked.

"Just the opposite. Practically from the day James and I ...on the honeymoon," she grimaced. " I sleep for nine, ten, hours and it's taking me a long time to wake up properly of a morning. I feel kind of out of it and I don't like it. It feels like I felt when I was forced to sleep after Carlisle put me on the drugs."

"And you aren't taking any drugs at all now?"

"No. Been there, done that. It's just strange because it's different. I'm falling asleep after dinner, before the evening movie on television even gets halfway through. I'm starting to feel like I've skipped a whole couple of decades and got to the age where nodding off after the evening meal is normal."

"Any other symptoms? Is there any chance you are pregnant?" I asked, biting the bullet and getting the elephant in the room out of the way.

"None."

She sat there gazing at anything but me, then finally looked up.

"You aren't going to ask me how the sex is with James, are you?"

I leaned back in my chair and fiddled with my pen.

"I could phrase it as if I needed to know from a medical point of view. Like maybe you two are too active in that department so your body is just shutting down in an attempt to recover."

Bella held my gaze and gave one low, mirthless chuckle.

"The sex is nothing like it was with you. There's no buzz. No connection. It's like we are just using one another's bodies to try and experience a moment of pleasure for ourselves and don't care how it is for the other participant. I know you and Victoria are amazing together and you feel the same with her as you did with me, but you are lucky. It's not that way for me."

I wondered why anyone would assume a man who slept in the guest room ever since his first wedding anniversary had a great sex life, let alone connection. The sex had ended the time I cried in the shower. I'd been taking comfort from the actual deed, not the woman it was with and that had all ended abruptly that day.

Victoria had pulled out all the stops, and spent a fortune on lingerie and sexy outfits. It was not even a surprise to get home and find she had artistically draped herself over a sofa naked in some erotic pose.

That was my signal to walk the dog.

I had no intention of touching her again until this feeling that it was shameful and wrong to do so passed.

Our marriage licence meant nothing more than a piece of paper that legally bound us together.

It couldn't force me to have sex with her.

Neither could her episodes of pouting or whining or smashing furniture when I headed to get Bear and take him to the beach rather than even try.

Celibacy was not my first choice but my options were limited is this town. Some day I'd no doubt turn elsewhere and find myself some faceless woman to seek relief with but for now, I was coasting. Just relieving my pent up frustrations by exercising.

It was fine, and my abs were rock hard.

I'd become a little obsessive and only ate organic food, and sugar was a poison to me now.

"Are you still smoking?" I enquired.

"No. That stopped once I met James."

"Drinking?"

"Very little but then, our social life is pretty restricted by my habit of falling asleep."

"Are you getting plenty of exercise?"

"Not so much," she responded.

"I walk Bear on the beach of an afternoon. You could join us if you miss him."

"I'd like that. To see Bear."

"I'm usually there around four."

"So, not midnight."

I shrugged.

"I walk Bear at midnight as well. You started a habit he doesn't want to break."

"It's a shame I'm asleep then."

I wasn't sure how professional this conversation was but I didn't care any more. But I should be looking out for her health.

"I could order a blood test and make sure your iron levels are okay."

"Good. Okay then."

I wrote the request and handed it to her and she left, heading to pathology.

I sat for a few minutes until her scent dissipated.

X~x~X

When I got home, Victoria was out for once so I went into the bathroom to shower and change.

It didn't hurt to look like I had made some effort before Bear and I hit the beach.

I checked around where groups of kids were laughing and fooling about, and satisfied myself that Bella wasn't here.

Bear pulled on his leash and started barking excitedly so I let him lead me to her.

She was sitting on the sand reading one of her romance novels, and she dropped it to open her arms to the dog, who jumped right in and licked her face enthusiastically.

I sat down beside her.

"I miss you so much, my big baby boy," she crooned at the dog in her embrace and she smiled at me for bringing him to her.

"He misses you too. Like crazy."

She placed one hand down on the beach towel she was sitting on and I placed mine beside hers, not quite touching. The buzz was almost audible. I grazed her fingers and she gasped but made no move to move her hand away so I took it into my own larger hand and held it tightly.

She avoided looking at our hands or at me, but pretended nothing was happening, and kept talking to Bear.

I felt like I was stealing her very essence and filling up my body with the spirit of Bella.

Bear jumped about and knocked her down and I caught her. For a moment she lay there, then she sprang up and started running towards the waters edge, with Bear on her heels.

I watched and waited and okay, laughed as she stumbled and almost face planted as he tripped her up time and again.

I hugged my knees to my chest and watched them together and felt a sense of peace and calm that I hadn't felt for a very long time. I'd never wanted her gone from my life and maybe now I could live on the outskirts and have just a tiny bit back.

She had demonstrated to me that she needed to move on and make something new, by marrying James, no less, but maybe she would let me back in, just a little.

When they both ran back to where I sat, I offered her the towel that I'd shaken the sand off, and she dried the water from her arms and legs and flopped back down, picking up her book.

"I really hoped to finish this so I could go to the library and get something new on the way home."

"Go ahead. We'll sit here and behave while you read," I replied.

She opened the book and rested it on her raised knees and I situated myself so we were sitting back to back, barely touching. It was enough. Human bookends, just enjoying one another's company and the soft, gentle current that flowed through us.

X~x~X

After Bella kissed Bear and stood awkwardly in front of me for a moment, unsure how to say goodbye, I took her hand and kissed it.

Then she ran off back to her car and drove away.

I did a couple of laps running hard with the dog then went back to my glass and wood house and took another shower, needing to make use of her image to relieve the throbbing need she had awakened. I leaned against the tiles with one hand and shut my eyes as I replayed the video of her splashing in the shallows , kicking her bare feet up at Bear.

It was amazing how erotic the images became inside my head.

I called her name silently as I exploded and stood there panting at the relief.

She was turning back into how she used to be, before.

My Bella.

She'd been mine for fifteen years and all but the ending had been an amazing ride. I'd been so happy for so long that when the blasphemy occurred, it had been a very long and hard fall.

I hadn't handled it well at all, and with the gift of hindsight, I know we could have handled everything so much better.

I should have held her in the hospital when she was sedated, so she had woken up with me spooned around her. She may have accepted then that my touch could have comforted her and let me hold her while she cried.

Nothing had ever been harder than watching her cry alone, with her body shaking as she backed away out of my reach. It was as if the thought of contact me with was unacceptable while she was in so much pain.

I'd given her space and created a gulf between us that no bridge could cross. I never should have let that happen. She was out of her mind, and forcibly holding her could not have possibly made things worse.

I wanted to put a photo of us three as a family in the guestroom and one snap in particular had been my favourite. Somewhere in my study drawers, I had a small photo album and I searched and tore through the accumulated junk looking for it.

Maybe it was in Vic's desk.

I didn't find it but I did find several containers of contraceptive pills which had only the inactive sugar pills missing.

It would appear my wife had been taking dummy pills for the first year of our marriage. She had clearly planned to tie me to her with a child I'd been very clear about not being ready for.

It didn't matter, she wasn't pregnant but now I knew she was untrustworthy and that's always good information to have.

Next I found the old cell phone Victoria had mislaid ages ago. It hadn't mattered, she'd gotten a better one to replace it but I put it on the universal charger and watched it light up as the charge loaded.

Ah, maybe the album was in my former bedroom.

It was naturally, in the last place I looked, and I sat on the floor with my back against the bed, looking at the first and the last photos taken of us as a family, and decided to have them both framed.

It was amazing that this tiny little baby girl had grown up to become this amazing teenager in fourteen years that had flashed by in what seemed like minutes. Life had been too short.

Maybe fifteen years was the extent of my happiness.

Maybe I had used up all the joy in my allotted allowance.

Maybe that was all there was.

X~x~X

BPOV

I suppose most affairs begin innocently enough, but I already knew the road Edward and I would walk down and I didn't have the slightest desire or intention of stopping it from happening. I wasn't even sure he was aware of what we were going to do yet. I guess a more honourable woman would have acknowledged that he had a new partner and she deserved to not be cheated on, but whatever. She'd let him cheat on me with her, and payback can be quite the bitch.

It wasn't going to be payback, anyway.

It was going to be a healing way of gaining closure.

You have your methods, I have mine.

Edward and I had just ended wrongly. I wanted to be with him a few times, to say Goodbye forever, and to end us.

The ghost of us was hanging around like a separate entity and needed to be laid.

Laid. I chuckled as my eyes brightened at the thought.

It would be a short but hopefully passionate affair and then I'd sell the cottage and cut all ties and move away.

Maybe Renee and I would travel, see the world. Keep going until we found a little olive grove in Italy or a tiny flat in Paris.

I had everything to leave behind and nothing to come back to.

Who'd have thought I was ever destined to be 'the other woman', a role I had always despised in others. Now I could see not everything in the world was black and white.

Anyway, Victoria had begun her relationship with Edward in deceit so it probably was doomed anyway.

Before she ripped his heart out, I wanted to borrow it.

I did pause and consider what I was risking by cheating on James but really, I'd married him for all the wrong reasons and I was pretty sure I wouldn't be inviting him to leave with me anyway.

I'd survive. I wasn't the weak little broken Bella any more. I could go on alone if necessary this time.


	6. Chapter 6

I Was Broken

Chapter 6

EPOV

Things were changing and I started to consider maybe divorce was inevitable. I couldn't handle any physical contact with Victoria and had to admit while she had probably saved my life, I couldn't spent the rest of my life rewarding her for that. I considered making a grand gesture and then walking away but it meant dipping into my bio's money because my savings would not pay off the house, and that seemed like the obvious way to settle my debt with her.

If I wanted any money, including the money to put the two charities into operation, I had to accept my inheritance officially and have it transferred out of the current trusteeship it was being held in, waiting for me to just accept the inevitable and take it.

I still hated the thought of having that amount of money to my name.

Carlisle thought I should follow my gut instinct and sign it over to charities if I was sure I'd never regret that decision in the future.

He urged me to take some time, after all, I had made at least one monumental mistake while in the grip of grief and that grief would never end. It would always be there, influencing my decisions, so I agreed, I did need more time.

Alec was being paid by the trustees so no point rushing in either way. He was investigating whether or not it was better from a taxation point of view for me to ever actually be the beneficiary or whether just splitting up the assets and donating the lot was a better decision.

I decided to make a final choice once he knew that answer.

Bella was another consideration. What I ultimately did would affect her. If I kept the money, I could backdate my assets and make her very rich indeed as my ex-wife and in a way, money could help her.

She'd enjoy doling it out to help children and lost dogs and many other humanitarian causes. It was in her nature to want to help the less fortunate and being able to make a really significant difference might give her some satisfaction and direction.

Her marriage was a bust; that was obvious.

She had never been the kind of woman to consider cheating an option but she met Bear and I at the beach every afternoon and openly walked hand in hand along the sand with me. Rose was supportive and told Bella to do whatever she wanted to do because life was too short for regrets.

Alice wanted Bella to do things right and divorce James but Bella didn't seem bothered. He slept in her guest room which she had decorated in anticipation of them being a real couple after their honeymoon, but the fact she had never used our old bedroom with him had always made me wonder how committed she felt to him.

Nowadays she didn't even pretend they were anything more than two people sharing the one residence. Apparently James was away as much as he was home, so she was polite when he was there and happy when he wasn't.

I wanted us both to free ourselves and reconcile but although she was happy seeing me and spending time with me, I had the worst feeling that she didn't think we'd work the second time around.

I intended doing everything I could to prove to her this past four years had been unreal and stupid and wrong. Everything had been the result of the tragedy. If Angela was alive, there would have been nothing on Earth to break Bella and I up, and I believed we could regain what we had lost between us.

The love was still there; we were terrible apart; and neither expected to ever love anyone else like we loved one another. It seemed obvious to me. Just erase the last four years and reconcile and move on, together.

Make things right.

Realign the planet.

I feared the reason she didn't agree was because I'd betrayed her and she couldn't come to terms with what I had done.

She said a dozen times she understood why I had turned to Victoria, and she had always known that in the two years we struggled to stay together after our daughter's disappearance and death, she had pushed me away far too often to expect any other outcome and she accepted her share of the blame, but the fact was, I'd slept with another woman, and tried to start a new life without her.

Her attempt with James had been nothing, even I admitted that. If I hadn't goaded her that day, there was no way she would have married him. She knew it, he knew it, I knew it.

No, I had hurt her at such a depth that I think she may never trust me again. It was a simple fact. I should have stood by her for however long it took for her to turn to me, and I hadn't.

That told her she loved me more than I loved her and she was terrified of making herself vulnerable to me again. If anything else happened; if we faced another crisis in our future, she didn't trust me to stay and be there for her.

It was my own fault.

But nobody who hadn't walked in my shoes should judge me. Two years of never being allowed to so much as touch the woman you loved?

Not ever, not in any way?

Bella had started to change of course, the day Angie disappeared , but while she was missing, we both clung to the hope she would be returned to us, so we pulled together and coped.

Somehow.

Then when Charlie told us...

That day was our ending, not two long, terrible years later.

Those two years had been a visit to Hell. I don't know how we even managed to stay alive and go on breathing. Bella cried whenever she was awake and unmedicated, but she wanted to just sit in her old wooden rocking chair in Angela's bedroom, and gaze outside through the window at the view she'd come to know so well over the years.

Whenever our little girl had been ill or couldn't sleep, Bella had sat in that chair, rocking her, giving her the comfort only a mother can, and that was where she felt closest to Angie.

She could not accept that she would never see Angela's smile again, or hear her laughter, or tell her to clean her bedroom, and she regretted every single time she had ever told our child 'no' because in the grand scheme of things, it would have made no difference if Angie had grown up some spoiled brat.

Each day Bella would remember some tiny disappointment our child had been through. The day she wasn't invited to a girl in her class's birthday party because the two had fallen out.

For a whole day, Bella recalled how Angie had tried not to cry and had pretended she didn't want to attend the 'dumb party' anyway, when she was six years old. Bella had taken her to Port Angeles instead and bought her a pink tutu that she then insisted on wearing over whatever outfit her mother dressed her in every day for months.

Or the time Bella took her to the dentist and Angie had cried over the pain of her first filling.

"What would it have mattered if I'd never put her through that visit and all the subsequent fillings and the inoculations for diseases she would never live long enough to be threatened by? I should have made every day of her a life one big constant party, celebrating the fact she was ours and we had her to hold and kiss and love. I did _everything_ wrong, Edward. I deserved to lose her."

She had done nothing wrong at all, in my eyes. She'd tried to guide our daughter to grow into a responsible adult who would look after herself, and consider the feelings and welfare of others.

She'd raised her in the way any responsible parent raised a child who would grow into an adult and be out there alone in the world until she met her One.

Bella thought of that, of course, then cried for that shadowy figure who would miss out on being Angela's future husband.

Then she cried for the grandchildren we would never have.

Day after day, it was never a question of whether Bella would be devastated anew, just a question of what over.

I couldn't live that way. I honestly thought I would go insane and never get a grasp on reality again.

Victoria was there from the start but for those two years, all we did was sit over a coffee and talk. I had no desire to touch her, and just needed a sounding board as I poured out my heart to her and told her of my wife's latest angst.

She listened.

That's all.

She never judged either of us, and she never ever said a single word against Bella.

Then she started touching me, and although the touches were innocent, they were the only human touches I was being offered.

My parents had clung to one another and there was no room for me in their grief, and to be honest, had I had to take on their burden as well, I would have shot myself. They created their own little bubble and got through it together.

Rose was pregnant and felt so guilty for bringing a new life into the world when our child had been taken from us so cruelly, so things with us were awkward. Bella was asked to be his Godmother and she accepted, and actually, holding that new little boy was the only source of joy in her life at that time.

Of course, I blew it by suggesting we could try again and have another baby and bring back the incredible happiness a newborn brings and I'd offended her even more.

"No baby can ever replace Angela. How could you even think that, Edward? You could not have loved her as much as I did if you think any other person on this planet could mean the same to me as Angie did."

I hadn't meant we could replace her, but the idea of bringing her sibling into the world had seemed like a life preserver at the time.

We couldn't have Angie back, but we could have another child to raise, and to look at and see the subtle little similarities between brother and sister. He'd maybe have her eyes or her jawline or her laugh. Wouldn't that be a small something to cherish? Imagine having someone else who was related to Angela? Our family was so small. Just me and my parents, and Bella and hers, and to be honest, Renee was worse than useless.

She could only see how she had been robbed of her grandchild, and never understood that at least she was one step removed, and her own daughter had been robbed of her very flesh and blood.

I'd told Renee to go, and of course, Bella hated me for that, even though her mother had done nothing to help and was a negative influence.

Charlie had been amazing while Angie was missing, and had thrown himself back into work. He would find her. He would not rest until he brought her home.

He was a police officer and they solved missing person cases all the time.

Angie had just gone off with some boy, and he would track her down and bring her home to Bella.

Then after... she was found, he collapsed in a heap.

This wasn't fixable.

I expected him to go into a rage and rush out and maybe shoot every suspect that came under investigation, but instead, he did what his daughter was doing so well, and turned in on himself.

He should have bought Angie that ridiculously expensive pink bike with the plastic seat and streamers in the handles she wanted for her seventh birthday and not bought the better one that was more affordable and a much better quality.

I just couldn't cope.

Victoria started cooking little treats for me, and believe me, you underestimate how much comfort a man can get from a chocolate brownie when his world is nothing but constant pain.

Then she suggested we walk along the beach together so I could talk about Angie's childhood, and Bella didn't want to do that.

One day, Victoria took my hand and I left it there, and I felt the slightest feeling of comfort, as opposed to the tsunami of pain.

The day she kissed me, I reacted badly, because I didn't want her lips, and I abruptly left and went home.

Bella was living in Angela's bedroom, and barely eating. Dad and Mom were there, and he was threatening to hospitalize her yet again, and Mom was cooking things to tempt my wife to eat enough to stay alive.

I begged her to eat something and not leave me as well and she looked at me like she had forgotten who I was, and told me to go away and leave her alone. Again.

The next day, I kissed Victoria.

Even so, we only became better friends, for a long time that's all it was.

Then I started sleeping in her bed because my wife was never in our bed. It wasn't like I was taking anything from her by not being there. She didn't want to be near me anyway.

I did consider ending myself. Who wouldn't? I was so alone, except for the few hours Victoria shared with me, and I guess my basic need to survive kicked in and I reached for the wrong arms.

I needed a little bit of comfort and reality because the world was still turning, and the bills were still being sent and I had to work and had to face up to my responsibilities. Victoria and her understanding and endless patience became the only respite I got, so one day I made the terrible mistake of choosing that future instead of the Hell which was my marriage and my homelife.

I walked away.

As the old saying went, Bella had grieved while I'd replaced. I understood her viewpoint because I would never forgive myself either.

But I wouldn't give up. Not this time.

Bella and I were laying on blankets on the beach further along than most people ever ventured and the sky was dimming and turning cold. The wind started chilling us and I was waiting for her to announce she wanted to leave and go home, when she surprised me and pulled the second blanket up over us both and snuggled up beside me.

I put my arms around her and she settled in against my chest and I tried not to go with my instincts and just cry. I couldn't believe she was allowing this contact, as she had been rather distant lately, lost in thought, and not allowed me closer than holding hands to date.

It seemed she had made her decision.

Maybe she was coming around.

I could but hope.

I took a chance and kissed the top of her head and instead of pulling away, she turned and kissed my lips. This was only the second kiss we had shared this time around, so I made the most of it and to my surprise, it seemed kissing was not even the extent of what she was welcoming from me. She pushed her body in close to mine and I found it hard to believe she was actually inviting me to touch her.

Her arms were wrapped around my torso and she pressed her breasts against my chest as we kissed and I felt her legs part a little and slid a hand up along her thigh.

No indignant refusal ensued and she appeared to have forgotten to wear panties today.

She reached back and undid her skirt and I started stroking her backside and then slid one hand to her mound and she made it clear she wanted more. Wanted me.

I kissed her harder and felt her hands on my zipper, tugging it down and so I helped her get my jeans down and off, out of the way. She immediately invaded my boxers without a word, and took my erection into her hand and stroked it.

"Are you sure?" I asked as she straddled me and rubbed her ladies bits dangerously close to my dick. I was not about to pass up the opportunity to make love with her but the last thing I wanted was her to regret her actions later. I couldn't handle it.

She let me go and cradled my face with both of her soft little hands and kissed me several times then gazed into my eyes.

"I love you, Edward. That has never changed. I want us to make love."

Maybe she was warming to the idea of coming back to me. Victoria was not a consideration, and I had no feelings of guilt as I pushed inside the place I'd missed so much. Being inside Bella is like being allowed into her heart and I was so lucky James had never been anything more than a brief distraction for her. She had never loved him; not even a little bit. She'd just been afraid of being alone. I caused that so my punishment had been brutal; knowing she had sex with him was soul destroying.

But he never touched her these days so it did also occur to me that maybe she just needed sex and nothing more. It was possible but still enough.

I removed her blouse and bra and buttoned her inside my shirt with me so she was kept warm and I got to feel her naked breasts against my skin as we rocked together and I clung on to her for my very life. Lifting her closer, I thrust in and out slowly, needing it to last and she looked up and made me come instantly with her next words.

"You can go harder, this is not a once only offer. We can do this as often as you want to."

I felt myself release and luckily she was pulsing too already so it had clearly been a long drought for her as well. I kept my hands on her backside and held her close against me as we rode out the aftershocks.

"Do you mean that?" I asked, after we were both breathing normally again. Sitting her back down on my lap I put my arms around her and refused to let myself leave her body.

"I mean it. For a while, at least."

Making love to her was exquisite joy but just hugging her to my body was like food to a starving man. I needed her so very much. She made me feel so alive, and like life was worth another shot. We could never have Angela back but we could have us.

Her words finally filtered into my brain.

"How long?" I queried. "Why is there a time limit? You obviously do not care about the fact we are married to other people, so why are you limiting this?"

"It's not about them, it's about us. The two are not connected, you know that. We are legally bound to them and that is meaningless in the grand scheme of things. Divorces happen every day and I will file when I'm ready. I just don't want you to assume this means we are getting back together permanently, because I don't think that is possible. You know that. Too much has happened, Edward. It's spoiled. We can't go back and I refuse to pretend that everything is fixable. I've lived a lie for long enough. I just want us to enjoy one another and share our bodies until this passes and we both are ready to say Goodbye."

"That's never going to happen. Not for me," I cried, blinking back tears.

"Then we can just end this now if that's easier for you. I'd like us to make love often and spend time together and live out the ending but if you can't do that, or don't want to, it can be a one off and we can forget this happened."

"But I love you," I replied. "I've loved you since that first day you let me sit at your table. I suspected I did for months before that but as soon as we touched, I knew it was a sign that we were made for one another. I'm so, so sorry for leaving you. Victoria has never meant anything to me."

"No, don't say that to me. I can handle it if you fell out of love with me; in the circumstances it was bound to happen. Nobody can take constant rejection and the things I said to you...they were so horrid and untrue, but I saw them cut you like a knife in your heart. We needed one another more at that time than any other and you left me. If you left me because you loved her, that's one thing but if she didn't mean anything, how could you do that to me? I loved you completely. I would have waited for you if you'd rejected me."

"Nooo. Don't make me pay even more. I can't lose you again. I'm so sorry for what I did but I couldn't breathe, Bella. I thought I was going to die and I panicked. I didn't know what else to do. You wouldn't touch me and I was going crazy. I just needed you to hold me, nothing more. I couldn't bear to stay."

"Maybe this is another mistake. I'm sorry," she said quietly. "I should have explained first, before I let you make love to me. You can take a few days to decide, Edward. This can be our last Goodbye or we can drag it out and be together for a little longer; a few weeks, then close the door on us."

I lost it completely then and just cried out loud, my tears soaking her hair. She was crying as well and in that moment, I truly wished we could have both ceased to be and just died there, locked in one another's arms. Where's a tsunami when you need one?

I'd thought crying together would make her see sense and make things better but she didn't budge.

"Obviously I choose to be with you for as long as you will allow it," I replied when I could speak again. The only hope I had was that she would change her mind before her deadline came around.

Bella wriggled free from my shirt and redressed under the blanket.

"Do you want to sleep in our bed tonight?"

"Yes, I want to sleep in our bed. I wish I had never left it."

Even Bear was sombre as we went to my car and left hers there.

We stripped naked and took a warm shower together in our bathroom.

Bella clearly had something more on her mind but I had a feeling I didn't want to hear it, so I busied myself, washing her body and marvelling at how perfect it was. I knelt at her feet and kissed the little striations on her belly, and lay my head against the place where Angela had grown inside her.

"Edward, I'm selling the cottage."

I made my mind up in that instant. I was taking Edward Masen's money and the first thing I'd do was pay for my divorce, buy the wood and glass house for Victoria's settlement and buy my cottage back and live in it, with or without Bella.

I lay spooned around her all night long. I knew she'd let me make love again if I wanted, but I just wanted to hold on to her for now.

The next morning she was gone and I could hear her in the kitchen, singing quietly as she cooked. I'm sure whatever she was making smelled divine but I was fighting the sadness again and trying to find a way to get under her skin and weaken her resolve to leave me.

I dressed slowly and went out to the sitting room and sat down at my long neglected piano. Bella had missed out on inheriting any musical genes, if there had ever been any in Charlie or Renee's family trees, but Angie was almost a musical genius.

She could watch me play any passage of music and copy it immediately. I had tested her by making small errors and sure enough, she made the same back to me. She couldn't read a piano score but it didn't matter.

I played the lullaby I'd composed when she was born, then the one I'd written for Bella. I could feel her standing behind me and I started it over again, listening to her breathing hitch and knew it was affecting her in ways my own words couldn't. My music was pleading my case, and she was listening.

She sat down on the piano seat beside me and watched my fingers release the notes into the air. I knew her mind was wandering all over the place, back through the history of us. I played songs we had both liked back in school, when we began. I played others that she had loved and I had not loved, and she smiled as I started one popular song I'd labelled a piece of complete crap, and an example of what was wrong with modern music, but she had loved to listen to on her iPod.

Her cooking cooled as I kept her transfixed and I only stopped when we heard the sound of her front door open. James stood there with an overnight bag in his hand and he seemed unsure how to react. I was pretty sure what was going on in his absence was obvious and waited to see how he chose to handle this.

Bella stood up, and tossed her hair back.

"Edward's staying here for a while."

"Oh," James replied, frowning, and searching for a response. "Okay. It's your house. "

Really? I'd imagined he'd at least punch me in the face and it'd end up in a fight that would wreck furniture and destroy the floorboards. I wasn't only sleeping with his wife, I was technically cheating on his beloved Vicky and I found it hard to understand how he could calmly accept either of those things.

"There's breakfast in the kitchen but you will have to reheat it. Edward and I will be eating at the restaurant. Come on," she said, to me this time, and took my hand.

We sat side by side as she fed me slithers of bacon and ate some herself from the same rasher. She'd always done that. Most of the time while we were married she had served up our meals on just one plate so I was forced to sit her on my lap so we could share.

I knew what she was doing. She was rewinding the clock back to before, with the intention of choreographing our new ending, so it would happen in a way she found acceptable.

My intention was to stall it halfway through, when she got us to how we had been, and freeze frame that time and make it our new reality.

I'd already discovered one weapon; music. There would be others, and they'd show themselves to me and I'd use them. But I had to play my hand carefully and pretend I was going along with her plan.

"I want us to get tattoos," I said as she stacked the empty plates and I tossed a couple of bills on the table for the waitress.

"What?" Bella said in surprise.

"If you are determined to leave me and go continue your life somewhere else without me in it, I want some small reminder of me on your body. It seems only fair that I get permanently represented as someone who was once significant in your life. I earned it. Fifteen years Bella, and it would have been eighty more if I had my way."

She flinched but recovered and and faced me.

"Okay, fine. Let's go get tattoos."

Eamon the tattoo artist was full of suggestions and showed us pages of his past work, and I liked one instantly. A sparkly heart shaped diamond with names inside.

"Okay, what words?" he asked.

"In hers, I want this:

_Forever My Love. Edward & Bella"_

Okay it was dirty pool, seeing that was what was engraved inside her wedding band. She was wearing that ring again, no doubt a little symbol of her defiance and determination to do whatever she wanted, but that didn't mean she'd wear it once she left.

"And in yours?" he asked.

"Bella, what will I have inked in mine?" I asked her.

" Forever My Love, Bella & Edward," she replied, holding my gaze and accepting my challenge. One small step for a man.

I still wore my wedding ring but on a chain around my neck. It had never left my body, not once. I took the chain off and handed her my ring and she kissed it and slid it onto my finger.

I'd never exchanged rings with Victoria. Sure, she wore one I'd paid for and she'd chosen but I had refused to let her buy me one back. I'd possibly told her I thought men's wedding rings unmanly or whatever. I just wasn't wearing anyone else's ring in this lifetime.

I held Bella's hand as she was inked and she blinked back tears at the first shock of the stinging the needles brought her, and then she wandered around with her tattoo hidden under the paper dressing, looking at photos of other clients tattoos in the many photographs on the walls while mine was done. Eamon was quite the artist and the diamond seemed to shine and reflect all the colours of the rainbow in muted, subtle shades, just like a crystal would.

"What's the significance of the names across the inside of wrists? That's got to be a bad place to get it lasered off again if you split up and change partners at some point," Bella commented.

Eamon turned to her and smiled sadly.

"They never get removed. They are the names of people my clients have had taken from their lives permanently. It's a tribute to a lost love, whether it be a partner, parent or child, or just good friend who has passed on."

"I want Angela's name on my wrist," she said immediately.

He did both our inner left wrists and we left with two bandages apiece and a tube of salve to use later.

"What's Victoria going to say?" she asked suddenly, as if the existence my current wife had just entered her mind.

"I imagine she will say 'thanks for the house; where do I sign the divorce papers?' At least, that is what I am counting on her saying."

"You aren't divorcing her because of me? I told you we don't have.."

"Bella, you can't tell me who I may divorce or why. I wish to undo a wrong, even if it won't mean I can then make things right. This is something that was always going to happen, whether you came back to me or stayed completely out of my life. Or even both, which you seem determined to do."

We sat on the beach side by side and she leaned her head onto my chest as I put my arm around her.

"Remember sitting here with Angie when she was little, and determined to eat the sand? This place has so many happy memories for me. You teaching her to swim. Carrying her up on your shoulders as you ran along the sand in the very edge of the water."

"How can you leave and never sit here and have those memories surface again? This was her sandbox. Okay, you feel the need to get away from me, but Bella, Forks and La Push were where she lived most of her existence. I don't understand how you can walk away."

"I have to. I can't find closure here for those very reasons. Everywhere I took, I see her. Every little girl with a bucket and spade becomes her. Every time I hear someone say her name I think she's come back. To stay is to remain in permanent limbo."

"Then let me come with you."

She didn't answer but she didn't say no.

X~x~X

Victoria was sitting in her car outside of Bella's house when we got back. I kissed Bella on the lips and made her promise to let me inside once I returned from taking Victoria away somewhere to state the way things would now be. She could fight the divorce but it would only delay the inevitable. Anyway, if I was accepting the legacy, I would hand over whatever Carlisle and Jay consider a fair pay off in return for her cooperation in ending this farce of a marriage.

We stopped at a little coffee shop in Port Angeles after a tense trip there in which I told my whatever, second wife in name only, to prepare herself.

Victoria actually looked shocked. That amazed me. She must have seen this coming. She knew enough about me to know Bella was the only woman I had ever loved and she'd just been a mistake.

A horrible, cruel, senseless mistake, that may still cost me Bella but I needed to clean house and end things with her.

"You can't just divorce me because it's convenient for you. I'm your wife. I saved your fucking life and put up with all your moaning about Bella and even let you have sex every night so you could sleep. Is this my reward?"

"You'll get what's owed to you, don't worry. I'm taking care of that. I'll pay off the mortgage and give you the house, and make a settlement on you."

"I have to talk to James," she panicked, and stood up. I followed her outside and a tall, black haired man saw us and waved. I didn't know him and she wasn't looking his way. He ran across the road and grabbed her arm.

"Hey, Chilly. How the heck are you? Still working for the .."

"No" she replied harshly, cutting him off. "This is Edward. My husband. Edward, this is Felix. We have to go."

"Hey, give me a call sometime. I'd love to hear any gossip about our old workmates. You kill 'em, we chill 'em. Remember?"

"Sure," she agreed and grabbed my arm, walking away in what can only be described as a rude manner. But then, she was shocked and upset about the divorce.

"Where did you work with him? In fact, where did you ever work?" I asked, realizing she had never told me much at all about her past life.

"Um. I can't remember. I've had a lot of jobs. I need to find James."

She left me at Bella's gate and I pressed the intercom.

The gate opened and I went inside.

Bella was waiting for me in our bed and I stripped off and slid in to join her and she put her mouth around me and made me shiver in delighted anticipation.


	7. Chapter 7

**About Edward and Bella's bedroom furniture in this chapter:**

**.tantrachair dot com /en/content/32/positions/183/positions-guide/ put the usual 3w's in front and replace the word dot with a dot, but be aware this video has actual (or very cleverly faked) sex. Not Suitable To Watch At Work.**

I Was Broken

Chapter 7

BPOV

The important thing here is to not keeping making mistakes.

I can dismiss the whole marrying James fuck up because he should never have rushed me into it like that, and Edward shouldn't have tried to control me. Okay, I should have stood up and told them both to fuck off and let me make my own decisions, but that doomed marriage is erasable.

I can sign a piece of paper and it will be as if it never existed.

Edward had sent me to his attorney's office to start the ball rolling, but I hoped he knew he could not read anything more into my decision to do this than the simple fact that I wanted to legally end any ties to James.

That's where it got strange.

"Isabella Marie Swan, ex wife of Edward Anthony Cullen Masen. I can locate your divorce documents for that, but I can't locate any Marriage Licence for you and James Nicholas Hunt.

Where did you file your Intent?"

"My intent?"

"Before you get married, you file an Intent and then a licence is issued. There's nothing. No paper trail. I have to conclude your second so called marriage was not legal."

"Can you find anything on James?"

"I can tell you he married and divorced Victoria Rhona Redding. Nothing more. Are you sure of the date? Maybe it's misfiled. Things go astray at times."

How weird.

"The Marriage celebrant...what was his name?"

"Laurent Taylor," I replied. He was an interesting character and a hard man to forget. Great hair. I love great hair on a man.

"Nope, he is not licensed to perform any legal ceremonies in this country," Jay said moments later, looking at his computer screen.

"Why would James only pretend to marry me?" I mused out loud. Maybe to piss off Edward, because that was all it had achieved. Maybe so I would sleep with him?

We'd never slept together before the so-called wedding. James had insisted he was old fashioned that way.

"Okay, fine. Thanks for your time."

"Bella, before you go, Edward wants me to explain about his inheritance and what it would mean to you when he accepts it."

"What would that have to do with me? You found our divorce details. Anything he inherits is none of my business."

"Edward wants to know if you are open to him backdating his assets so you'd be entitled to a share. He also wants to purchase the cottage from you and insists on paying you five hundred thousand dollars for it."

"It's not worth that. The Realtor says in this current market I'll be lucky to get more than three twenty."

"He's made an offer of half a million. I imagine your Realtor had the contract altered and signed right there and then. It's a fair offer when you consider he wants that property no matter what it costs him, and doesn't wish to risk any other potential buyers making you any offers. I would graciously accept and sign the contract if I were you."

"But why would he pay more than it's worth? He paid for it in the first place and gave it to me. By rights, he should own it already. I would just give it back but then I wouldn't have any money and I need to travel and set myself up somewhere new."

"I think Edward may have adjusted it's worth based on sentimental value the cottage holds for him alone. Another buyer would not have that attachment."

"I love the cottage too," I replied. "If I could afford to keep it so if I ever want to return some day, then I would, but I can't. It's my only asset."

"Back to Edward's inheritance, then. He wishes to settle an amount of money on you. This is not how it usually works, but he wants me to find out how much you would find acceptable, rather than decide a figure himself. He asked me to ask you to consider that you may want to travel a lot, and have maybe a few residences in your preferred locations, such as a house in London, a flat in Paris, maybe a vineyard somewhere in Spain? And there is your Mother to consider. Edward says she is divorcing her second husband and won't come out of the divorce with much in the way of assets? He would like you to be able to buy her a house wherever she chooses to settle down. I was thinking maybe a million dollars would set her up somewhere quite comfortably? He intends giving her an annual income as well. He tells me your Mother is not big on budgeting and he'd rather not just gift her a lump sum."

"A million dollars? What are you talking about? I didn't even know Edward could afford to pay off the mortgage on Victoria's house. Why didn't he pay it off earlier?"

"Edward inherited a rather large business enterprise from his biological parents. He was inclined to refuse to accept any of it but he's changed his mind and wishes to access some of the funds to do these things and help various friends and family members before he gives the remaining considerable amount to various charities.

Think of it as him handing you a blank check. What amount would you fill in if money was no object? Whatever you decide to take, I can assure you it probably won't make a dint in the total."

"I think I need to talk to Edward," I replied, wondering if Jay Jenks was quite right in the head, or maybe he drank. Maybe he was a stoner with delusions of grandeur.

Edward met me in the coffee shop and we sat opposite one another and did our stupid grins at each other.

I swear I felt eighteen again around him. It was like High School over again, and he took my hand and kissed it, while entwining his feet in mine under the table.

"Don't let the Principal catch us doing PDA's," I cautioned him, laughing.

My life was getting better every day and my nights were incredible. It was surprising that I could sit down. As Edward gazed into my eyes, I kept thinking about last night and the new piece of furniture he had installed into our bedroom.

A tantra chair.

It looked kind of weird but then he had taken us both into the shower and washed our bodies clean, then dried us off, before leading me to the unusually shaped couch.

"Is it some kind of sofa to lie and read on?" I asked, perplexed.

"It does come with a book. The Kama Sutra."

"Okaaay," I replied, looking closer at the leather seat. It had a dip in the center and Edward straddled that section and invited me to do the same so we sitting facing one another.

Then he took my legs and placed them on his shoulders, and I leaned against the rise behind my back.

Okay, this was interesting.

The chair seemed to support us both regardless of what position he put us in and I know there are things we haven't tried yet. The things we had tried had been mind blowing.

Just thinking about it was making me damp.

"I can read your mind," Edward said with a chuckle. "You are remembering the scissor position. I could tell you liked that one a lot. You were very...enthusiastic."

"Why did you buy that chair?" I asked him. "Was it to make me have so little blood left in my brain that I'd be unable to even think straight long enough to call a halt and leave you?"

He shrugged.

"If that works for you, it works for me. I would do anything to keep you here. I am willing to beg.

Bear has been giving me lessons. He says you always give in and hand him treats when you see him begging so I was hoping it might work for me."

"I don't want you to beg. I just want us to part ways feeling like it was our choice and nobody and nothing forced us to. One day we will know that this is done, and we'll go our separate ways still able to always think of one another fondly. The pain and fuck ups with 'other people who shall not be named' will be forgotten, and we'll feel complete and always have happy memories of the ending, like we do of the beginning."

"You know it's not going to work that way for me. I will never be able to just watch you leave and think there is anything remotely right about it. I don't understand why you are not willing to stay and try again. I mean, Bella, everyone here thinks that's what we are doing already. They are all supporting us and hoping we stay together forever this time. You are going to break so many hearts if you leave."

I considered his words because, to be honest, I wasn't even sure myself why I was leaving any more. It wasn' to get away from Edward; I loved him more now than I ever had. There was no truer saying, you truly don't know how precious what you have is until you lose it.

It wasn't James, he was nothing; nobody. He'd moved out weeks ago, having possibly decided he didn't enjoy listening to how a real man makes a woman scream multiple times a night.

Our lovemaking had to make him feel completely inadequate, which he was.

I had not made any effort to tone things down or keep quiet because what Edward did to me didn't really allow that.

One would have to be in control of their body and their brain to manage that and he did things to me that made me simply surrender to his superior knowledge and take me to places I don't think we had even visited when we were married and happy.

I wanted to think our lives could stay this way, and nothing could ever come between us again. Victoria and James were both living in the wooden house together, waiting for Edward to sign it over, but they were tight again and always together when we saw them anywhere. Like they'd never been apart.

Maybe we all had to go through all that fuckery to end up back where we belonged.

I never thought about James until Edward asked me a few days ago if I was thinking of officially ending that ridiculous thing legally called a marriage that I had so foolishly entered into, and I'd agreed. It was time.

He was in the middle of divorcing Victoria, so why wait?

I guess the only reason was, I was afraid Edward was thinking once we were both free, that I'd give in and remarry him.

I fully accepted that I had pushed him out of my bed and I should have handled things entirely differently, but even so, he left me.

He went to her and maybe if I stayed a zombie, he'd still be with her and they'd have some pretty babies by now.

Pretty babies.

Fuck.

What's the date?

I reached inside my purse and found my organizer and calculated when my last period had occurred and realized I was due to ovulate on Father's Day. That day, like Mother's Day, was always a punch in the gut to us both.

"Bella, what's wrong? What are you thinking?" he asked, concerned. "You just went pale. Have you had a blood test lately?"

My iron levels were fine, and Marcus had told me something interesting when he got the results of that test Edward had ordered months ago.

It appeared James had been drugging me with an unidentifiable mix of medications. The ones they could pin down were designed to make me relax, sleep, and bond.

For some reason, he had been feeding me a drug given only to new mothers who were not bonding naturally with their infants, usually due to postnatal depression. It stimulated those hormones needed to form bonding, and I had no baby to bond with. It did explain why I had found what little rapport between James and I was enough, though.

False feelings.

Emotions fuelled by drugs only.

Once Marcus told me, I started refusing to drink anything James offered and although outwardly he took it well and laughed it off, I saw by his eyes that it made him angry.

That was when I moved back into my real bedroom and had several locks including a deadbolt installed on that door.

James had merely shrugged and said he could wait me out, unlike Edward had, but that comment had the opposite effect to what he hoped.

Instead of making me angry at Edward again, I just saw James much more clearly and realized how well he had played me.

He'd always fed me back whatever I needed to hear all the while managing to slip in the odd negative reference to Edward and his abandonment of me. Like the day he saw me crying and took me into the arms I now hated, and tried to keep up the act.

"Bella, I know what he did to you and I would never do that."

No, his method was more subtle.

One day I was cleaning up his bedroom and found a romance novel in there that I instantly assumed was my own, because I'm pretty sure fully grown men never resort to immersing themselves into those pages to find some borrowed emotions to live vicariously through.

No, only women did that. Women who needed to feel something when romance had deserted them.

To my surprise, this was a much newer copy of the book and as I flipped the pages, some passages were underlined.

Like the scene where the buff, handsome hero rode bareback on a beach and encountered the lonely heroine. I reread that part and finally understood.

"Tobias shook his long blonde hair back and bared his rugged chest as Hermione's eyes raked that manly body and sighed. In that moment, he knew he had her hooked. He had become the bait and had caught her in his trap. He jumped down from the steed in one leap and casually tied his hair back with a small black ribbon, watching the regret in her eyes.

"It will be back. I will shake it out again when I remount my horse, and toss my hair just as Black Stallion tosses his mane in the wind," he said to himself, smiling at her automatic response to being this close to a half naked man.

His shirt was tied around his waist, and he slipped it on just to see her eyes show more regret. She was picturing him naked, and he was taking away the illusion, making her long for that shirt to spontaneously combust and leave his upper body naked again.

He spoke the words that lit her on fire.

"I suppose if I had been naked when we first met, you would remember me," he said with a smile.

Hermione couldn't help but want him.

Alexander, her true love, had gone, left her, run back to his wife.

She had nobody now. No man to warm her yearning body and her cold, lonely bed.

Tobias mounted the black stallion and released his hair again and he heard her heart stutter at the sight. She was putty in his hands. While part of him wanted to grab her up and ride away with her into the mist, the sensible part of his brain warned him to merely suggest another meeting, then ride away leaving her feeling bereft and wanting more.

It was always so much easier at the next carefully staged encounter if they already had this image stuck in their desperate little brains and they yearned for more.

His trap was loaded, set, the bait taken, now he just had to return and free her from the cage. She would be so desperately needy by then, he could do whatsoever he desired to do with her.

He smiled his devastating smile.

How he loved men who deserted their women and left them lonely and vulnerable to a man such as himself. Half the work was done for him already.

Because a woman just wants a man who stays."

So, I'd been played.

I was rather shocked that I hadn't realized it at the time. It was so obvious, looking back. James clearly recognized me for the lonely, heartbroken woman I was and gave me what my stupid brain longed for.

A hero on a white horse.

I hadn't told Edward; I had a feeling he knew the whole thing had been a set up from the start. He knew James.

He had tried yet again to save me and what had I done?

I'd marched myself to the pretend preacher man and married 'Tobias' and let him manipulate me from that day forward.

Well, all that was over now but I still felt like a complete fool.

Maybe a fifteen year old schoolgirl could be impressed by such a dramatic encounter on a beach but I should have known better.

"Let's go home," I suggested, and Edward stood up and led me to the car.

X~x~X

Once we were curled up in bed, I lay there in Edward's arms fighting with the feelings inside.

What did I want? Really? In ten years from now, what would I regret and what would I be glad I had done?

I regretted pushing Edward away and sending him to her.

He had swum in muddy waters but I had pushed him in.

I regretted falling for James' ridiculous game.

I was glad to be free of him.

I was glad to be here, in this bed.

The fifteen years with Edward had been the best years of my life and he was willing to try and give me more of those years so why was I fighting? If I won this battle and walked away, what was my prize?

A lifetime spent trying to make Renee happy? Moving around the world as she met one 'perfect' man after another, only to see them fall from their pedestals and turn into mere mortals that could never be what she wanted, so, on to the next one.

Did I want to live my own life like that?

I would never choose celibacy so that meant my options were to go from the bed of one inadequate man to the next like she did, because I was now sure nobody else on Earth could light the spark Edward lit inside me.

Maybe I should just give in and stay.

Be happy.

Let go of the past, and welcome a new future.

Edward's fingers trailed lazily down my spine and the buzz burned.

I turned and looked at his emerald green eyes and surrendered.

Completely.

"Edward, do you still want to have another baby with me? I think it's time. If I stay, then I want us to have back every possible part of our old life. That includes another child. Maybe two this time."

His eyes lit up and shone with unshed tears and his mouth descended onto mine and that kiss told me his answer, and the answer I needed.

I was choosing right.

This was what I wanted.

X~x~X

EPOV

I have no idea what finally brought Bella back home, but whatever it was, it happened all by itself and I hadn't manipulated her. I would have, if I'd known how, because at this point I could feel the clock ticking and the end galloping towards us.

We were happy, and comfortable and had shaken off all regrets for paths we'd taken in error, and we were us again.

That told me she knew it too, or soon would, and there would be nothing to keep her here any longer.

Then she asked me if I wanted our old life back.

I knew it could never be quite as perfect as it had been, because the new baby would not be Angela but once again I started hoping he or she would bring some characteristics our first child had back into our lives.

This baby would be Angie's sibling.

I felt so excited, I couldn't even answer so I let my lips do the talking and my body followed through.

God, I love this girl, this woman, more than life itself and I wanted to start a new life with her, and a new life inside her.

"I'm due to ovulate on Sunday. The third Sunday in June," she said. I knew what the significance of that day was, but this year I would be able to celebrate and not just be filled with regrets for what I'd lost. Maybe I'd be a father again already by then.

Maybe I'd manage to impregnate her first try. It hadn't taken long in High School, and I was pretty sure it wouldn't take long now. We had to hit the target day of ovulation if we kept up the pace our sexlife had resumed. It didn't matter what date it occurred, because every night was now the night we were having sex for a purpose more than just to be together and to strengthen our bond and celebrate our love.

This could be a tantra chair baby.

Actually, I wanted more than that. I wanted our child conceived here in this bed. I wanted Bella to be swept away by passion, sure, but I wanted love to be the theme.

Scented candles, soft music, and a lot of kissing.

Inside me, I felt words try to pour from my mouth that she was not ready for yet.

I wanted to marry her.

Even though I knew she considered us still married, and possibly always had, I needed that to be true. But it could wait because I was not risking scaring her off with too many demands. Her choosing to stay was the vital step. The baby was another important step. The wedding would come whenever Bella was ready.

I could not believe how brave she was nowadays.

She'd come and claimed me back, despite the minor inconveniences of our spouses and not let anything stand in her way.

She knew I was hers and she wanted that wrong righted.

She saw Victoria and James as nothing more than a couple of flies, to be shoo'ed away out of our lives.

It had always been about us.

She still hadn't mentioned what Jay Jenks had told her, but maybe that was only because, as always, money meant nothing to her.

What she could do with that money would occur to her at some point, when she saw one of those tv commercials with starving children, and then she would ask me what the heck Jay had been on about. For now, it was so unimportant to her, it didn't rate as a subject worth bringing up.

Her mind was filled with the important stuff. Our future together. Our baby, or maybe babies. I would not make the same mistake this time. I would do everything possible to ensure this labour was as safe as possible and not let my fears leak through and spoil things.

She would not die in childbirth.

My Mother had, and surely that meant the statistical chances of my wife dying that way were so remote as to be nearly impossible.

I would endure the delivery and the next one before facing those unfounded fears again.

Bella would be fine.

Our babies would be perfect.

Surely by now we had already been served up more than our share of pain.

Sunday night went exactly as I had planned it to.

Soft lights, quiet music, dinner worthy of a masterchef.

Nothing heavy, just fuel for the fire.

Dancing, with my Bella in my arms as I swept her around the sitting room.

Kissing, a lot of kissing.

Declarations of love and a long night of the most intense passion we had ever had.

Our eyes never closed, our gazes never wavered. I stared into deep pools of brown velvet as our bodies connected and my love filled her repeatedly.

I could almost see the baby inside beginning.

Tantric sex did come into play but we were so connected it wasn't a conscious choice, our bodies chose that for us and I made love to her for hours. I wasn't even aware of when we finally faltered, I just woke up around noon the next day and belatedly realized I had missed half of my shift at the hospital.

I had warned Carlisle it might happen, because my wife and I had things that needed to be done and his eyes had lit up with a light that I thought had been permanently extinguished.

"I shall have Marcus on standby. Don't let a little thing like work interrupt your plans," he had replied, pulling me into a hug.

We all needed this baby, not just Bella and I.

Even Renee now felt for us and not just for herself and she would be as thrilled as anyone that we were back and we were taking the next step to spending eternity together.

Our gold rings were on our fingers and we were married in our hearts so nothing could come between us now.

Bella woke and stretched sleepily and I grabbed her and started kissing her all over.

"Edward, I need a little human time. A bathroom break, before you get too carried away."

I sighed loudly and watched her cute little butt as she headed off.

Maybe we should shower. God knows the whole bed smelt of sex.

I ripped the sheets off and replaced them with fresh ones and then tapped on the door.

"Come in," she replied. She was sitting on the edge of the bath with a plastic stick in her hand.

"I ovulated last night, as expected," she informed me, placing the stick on the counter.

"I know, I felt you conceive," I replied, taking her into the warm water of the shower and washing her body clean again. I had made it damp and sticky, it as up to me to make it clean again.

Then make it damp and sticky all over again.

She didn't resist and it seemed I could do whatever I wanted.

I lay her on the bed and knelt at her feet and put my mouth on her sweetest place and kissed it.

She grabbed my hair and made it clear that sweet and gentle kisses were not what she wanted so I started working in earnest, licking and sucking her to the edge then backing off, letting the climax that had almost happened retreat again.

"Edward," she said in a warning whisper and I grinned and did it properly this time and licked at the sweet juices she rewarded me with. I loved feeling her come against my tongue. I loved tasting those waves of exhilaration as she pulsed madly out of control as her heart raced so loud I could hear it from here.

I loved how her entire body softly blushed as she came, and the way her toes literally curled.

I loved that I was the only one she responded to like this, and in a way, her being with the stupid and incompetent James now gave her someone to compare me to and made me shine and sparkle.

I felt like a God and I was her God and she was the only disciple I would ever want.

I crawled up her body and plunged inside, just to be sure.

It never hurt to have a back-up episode of love making to make sure she was well and truly pregnant.

When we were done and no longer had the strength to move, I rubbed her back and kissed the top of her head then laughed out loud, in pure, unrestrained happiness, because I had her back and she would never leave me. I knew that as surely as I knew my own name.

"Wasso funny, Mr Cullen?" she slurred as she lay face down on my chest.

"I'm just so happy, Mrs Cullen," I replied. "So very happy. Happier than I thought possible."

"Edward, you understand why I couldn't let you touch me back then, right?" she asked me in a small voice.

"No, I don't," I replied honestly. "Tell me."

"Because your touch has always filled me with happiness and there was no place for that at that terrible time. How could I let you make me happy when all I wanted to do was cry?"

I finally understood.

It was not me she was rejecting, it was the way my touch made her feel. It would have been impossible to tolerate any happiness then and I should have realized. I'd never touched her even once without filling us both with joy. How blind I had been.

"The other reason was, I feared if the happiness was gone, and had been replaced by pain,it would have stood to reason your touch would have filled me with such sorrow I would have exploded."

"Bella, I should have known. All I wanted was for us to comfort one another. I'm so sorry."

"It's okay. I will never fear happiness again now, Edward. You are mine and I am yours. Forever my love."

I lifted her body and rolled her over, so the words of her tattoo on her back covered the same words on my chest and held her around the waist.

"Forever my love, Bella."


End file.
